Sunday, December 7, 2008
Its raining day
Today morning wake up its raining.....my parents wan me to join them for breakfast outside but i reject them cause i told them i wan to go and do something vvery important.....now when im alone.....somewhat i feel back the agony.......the pain .....the misery.......is like wanting to ask someone y im like born to pessimistic ....born to be lonely.......tired of my life...i dunno....inside me is still a very lonely little kid for this moment....its like being abandon and friend with a friend name lonely.......in the past no matter got wat activites small scale to large scale...i remember im the one always backing up if not i will shoo to one side so that no one notice.....in my heart i always dream of a gal who is willingly to be by my side....and now i have the dream....and i need to maintain this dream.....doing all my best.....but still at times i still cant help to have this feeling especially when im alone....im a weakling who cant speak up for wat i wan......im a idiot who always happy go lucky......im a dumbass who only know how to workhard with no brain......although a night has past ....the tears are still never gone.......the pain is still there.....i give in everything......but i never give up.......im just a shitass person who keep feeling shitty all times ....yes im pessimistic .....i try to change......but the environment dun allow me.....everybody ask me to put down my past......i cant...u know y?Once u know a true family love u will wan to cling it hard 4ever.....but i got it not from my parents but others....and through age that love was taken away.......i have to live in misery agony pain.....they say sec school life is the greatest.....my reply is SHIT IT......i hate it......ppl despise me ....ppl fear me.....ppl ignore me.....and its they all who train me to isolate myself .....and i started to friend loneliness.......worst is when i get to poly that stupid MRT case that happen to me ...i can only say my hope my everything was gone at that moment......yes now i have got my another half.....a true love .....but everytime i disappoint her.....i make her sad....even up to ytd i hurt her......i try to make up everything....but her attitude of cant be bother and her disbelieve on me gave me a huge impact that throughout the night my tears just keep flowing......being distrust for so many years......yet i still got back this feeeling......its hurt totally......its hurt totally......i really wish to change myself reallly to the best so that i wun hurt my love ones.........its always me....from the past till now.....its me who always make the mistake......its me.....now its raining outside the window...outside my eyes....inside my heart..........i regretted i never change for the better in the past in order not to hurt the one i love her deeply from my heart....hope to change seriously.......for the better......
4:24 PM; &they are gone forever
Guilty...
Know something...i keep telling myself i wun make the same old mistake in order not to hurt my love one...but today...i did the same old mistake and i hurt her...i felt the change..but she keep saying...she feel nothing..im so scare...her tears reminded me of my past...and the "eyes"the eyes that make me change.......This time ...im so scare....at the same time i got back the feeling of family is like...at the same time of today....i hurt my love one.......the moment i saw her tears my heart ache to the core.....i felt like stabbing my own heart......i control my tears throughout the trip but still it fall when i reach home....im lost...lost in everywhere..........i really hate myself....at that moment back home i felt so bastard.....yes i may think too much....but...i cant deny i hurt her and at the same time i hurt myself totally to the core.....the image of her crying just cant get out of my mind....if u ask me how guilty am i?I will reply..willingly to accept to be guilty and accept any punishment....Loving u 4ever is my dream...is my long term goal....cause i know no matter wat happen if u do not have love...u simply will feel u are nothing in this world.I found my another half...yet its seems like im chasing her away.....how bastard can i be.....she say she dun believe me le...at the moment my deeply sank....i really never lie to her.....but just cant be blame all the cause of unhappiness is cause by me...loving her with all my heart...never lie .....always try my best to make her happy...been true to her deep from the bottom of my heart.....i gave up games i gave up alot of thing my bad habit everything....and start from zero ...but has i really start afresh....??But one thing i do know ....i wan to love her for the rest for my life ...just wan to lead a simple life with my dearest bao bei...thats all
8:13 AM; &they are gone forever
