Wednesday, May 28, 2008
autumn wind?
this few day dunno y my physical heart pain alot .....not sure wats going on......if all the pain accumulate i think my heart really cannot tahan for sure.....................really can feel my dayz are numbered just 2 more goal to accomplish .....hope to accomplish my parents dream of getting to university another to let my bao bei be happy and unhurt ...hope additional that i can be with her by her side.......................all my life i have been sleeping and doing nothing just like a useless guy hahaha now having 2 goal to acheive yet i keep feeling death near me
Man im just a dirt and a jerk sometimes the world is so far more better without me ytd night i hurt my love one just because i cant control myself my life having been helping others the best i can yet i cant help myself and my love one its just so unfair ....................i agree im not smart im dumb or sort of idiot but really there are times a wish to have a deal a simple deal take my soul my body and let my bao bei gain her happiness and unhurt and dun let her to hate herself im not those dramatic ppl shown in the tv or wat cause i dun see it been sleeping for my life ...................im just willing to give everything to her but yet she would not like wan to take ............im really not sure the position of me in her heart but i only know in my life she is ever the most i worried for and loved for and i ever feel that i live for ..............she told me dun treat love as everything........but sadly im just someone who chooses small happiness in life and peace in my soul which i wan to share with her .....this few day it has been raining and the rain brought me back to the past of the feeling of feeling the rain fuse with them.................there are sometimes im able to fuse with the nature as i wan but just this body keep stopping me and my wish of accomplishing my goal .....................this 2 goal have been crypted deepp inside my heart so deep that my soul feel it thoroughly ..................for now even if my body is not in this world i hope my soul will protect my bao bei .....................i pray for her safety and happiness everyday with my heart hope that this can come true ..............................love is a selfless giving i finally understand that ..............may the autumn wind blow for me before winter wind comes ............
11:13 PM; &they are gone forever
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Living Dead
Today dunno y i felt the feeling from bao bei its was just so ...........frustated can feel from her .........trying my best to make her happy by smsing her but then feel that im push away for the reason that i told her wat my father told me .................suddenly felt she really need me yet i cant be by her side but in the actual fact i need her too and i cant deny .......my heart is really crying inside out really crying le but i wun cry outside due to work ..........i cry not because im hurt is just that..................i really miss her ......i really miss her ...............although she say she suddenly unreasonable but at least she really show care ........i was so touched at the moment and felt contented..............at least till evening every sms went smoothly and i really felt so better that she msg me ...........iif she were not to msg me i really feel like dying ...........really feel like pressing hard into my arteries so that my heart blow even though i press it a few day be4 and i almost make my left hand gone but heart still will pain ...........and today the recurring effect came back again and i msg her and hope she care for me but somehow kind of did not get the msg i wan back...................
Then finally after work i call my buddies and seems like the timing cannot suits mine and my mum did not cook cause going out with dad and here i am back to this lonely house listening to super sad music .....................there are times when i go think im such a filth in this world im just like a torn and tattered shirt lying on the floor and just happen that esther were to pick up and wear it and i promise myself who ever were to pick me up i will give u the warm and happiness that i can give ...........however there are times is like i really love her alot and really wanting to protect her yet there are times i hurt her so much that i really hate myself to the core ..............and guess wat tonight i really miss her so much that now im crying inside out ............there are really sometimes i wish she can scold me or beat me or bit me something that ease my heart cause i really dunno how to make her happy but i just wanna give her happiness .............now its just so lonely in my house and outside raining so does my heart is raining now y does it always have to be lonely by my side i really wish she is by my side now ..........damn me damn me y am i so weak sometimes i really hate myself ..............why cant i give her wat she want and letting her ask me wat i want from her..............why am i so weak...........maybe i think too much or wat but suddenly have a selfish thinking hoping that if later i were to sleep i wish not to wake up forever ................just like how my grandad pass away sleep to death .....................i really dunno ...........reallly dunno im just so lost when she is not by my side ..............i really felt there is something tear it out from me that she is not by my side .............there are times i hope she can be selfish so that i can be by her side ...........my heart is really pain now not due to the injured it is crying out loud saying i miss u bao bei i really miss u ..............everytime i have to act strong when saying bb or nitez to her but in the end its me who is just so fragile who really cant stand the loneliness ............i just cant control my tears it just flowing .................suddenly and again im thinking back the wrong side ....my presence in this world really worth nothing at all and i just hope that i can be forgotton and die in darkness even where my body cant be found or something like that.......................its too painful for me that i hurt my bao bei and unable to accompany her by her side when she feel lonely ............i just feel that im so useless that i cant even make her happy ............im already such a useless guy ...............without her my life is really as good as a living dead who dunno wat he wans wat he need ..............she is just so attach to my soul and my heart that if there is no her i will be a man with no soul and no heart at all ...............laughter is the best medicine which i always told myself but 2day the more i laugh the more i wan to cry at myself at my stupidness .................im really just a sha dan who just need love and care and 2night this sha dan will curl into his bed and cry throughout the night and pray hard for esther his dearest bao bei safely and happiness ........nitez .....
5:25 AM; &they are gone forever
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Glass heart
saturday 3rd march early in the morning i was with my dear seeing the star and the moon and suddenly her asthma work up....i was so afraid...i try to call to someone but she hold my hand and dun allow me to call....i was scared and frightened ...then we rest for awhile and i tried to carry her back to clubhouse however she felt more pain.....den we slowly walk back to clubhouse....luckily we met shulan and panying and get the medicine just in time...........i felt so helpless and useless............im such a useless guy.............
After all the trial camp activity she buy a red bull and shared with me den i dunno somehow my mind when abit crazy and start to show all my bad attitude as if im drunk shit me sia.........at the same time i falling sick soon during the meal with her ..........how i wish i can send her home till the end of the day cause i start to panick..........i felt so lost due to my work schedule when can i even meet her up is making me even more lost............i really dun feel like going offf but my heart hurt and the heat pain me alot in my body i need medicine.....at the MRT i saw the train leaving and she was on the other side.......i really cant bear to leave..............i really cant bear to leave....and her action is like not caring about me.........i was hurt i try to hold her hand but she reject me.......
When i reach home i just told my father about my situation so he gave me coconut to drink to clear off the heat in my body then i hurry go back to bed and sleep...........the reason y i hurry go to my bed to sleep is not because im tired..........is because i wanna to cry.............at the second msg i send her saying that im so useless i cry so hard and really like to kill someone and that person is none other than me..............that night i cried to sleep and wake up interval to drink water to clear off my heat i keep seeing my hp did my bao bei reply........and she did not reply and im so sad again .... again and again the cycle repeat itself ......a fragile heart hidden under a cheerful laughter ..............when i finally work up in the morning to prepare for work the 1st thing i still see my hp for hope...........but........hope is never there for me........and there again using this blog to show all my sadness ............wanna tell her but dun wan to affect her studies..........i cant help but cry and type tis blog at the same time..........cause im really hurt...........and im totally lost how i wish i can tell her and she will be able to comfort me but however my hope was always never there for me............wat can i do other than letting my tears flow ................reminding of my old sentence............when tears are dried up wat will flow next........blood.........fresh blood will never end its flow till death has arrived............
4:25 PM; &they are gone forever
