Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Feeling quite emotional...somehow
this few day keep raining.....and rain started to soak me inside out..... kind of emotional.... firstly dear dear going to taiwan this saturday early in the morning... and i cant send her off...... my dad told me to be someone with meaningful skill and be useful person..... thats means i dunno how to " fan Fa" doing illegal stuff.... everything in my mind is to be good to be nice to be kind. but im not so sure about myself. i know there is a crazy part of me violent part of me caring part of me nice part of me workaholic me and pursuing of knowledge of me but im thrown into a place where im seeing all kind of ppl with by left and not by right. wats wrong wats right everything confuse me. but i wan to be right. i wan to have clear conscience......... i just wanted to go back to my study life.... at least book give me more knowledge ........ i wan to fill myself to be something useful like doing maths question and see circuits board. but recently im forgetting everything..... i lose touch in all kind of thing...... im like starting to lose everything......im blinded somehow........i feel im blinded by something but i cant see it i need some outsider to tell me wat am i blinded? by this world by wat?
i cant help thinking much and listening to those oldies to remind me and chilll me down...... but one thing im quite tired somehow. really tired doing one company stuff where only one man is doing.......... living like rats hiding there and here doing carrying a nuclear arrowing board. haiz. each bomb being fire is not arrow but like nuclear got radiation. maybe its a test for me to test my patience my endurance but it will reach till 5 month. after 5 more month i will pursue my knowledge. and i dun wan to live with regret. Jeffrey u last time told me about ur uni life and u are the only tution teacher who is able recognise my ability even though that time im a failure student. i cover my mistake during my poly time. b ut not enough. i will pursue ur step and my father step. i will make sure my whole life pursuing knowledge. i regretted for my past 17 years of life only to make my life fruitful a bit for 3 years.. not enough ... not enough to redeem my own 17 years of sin. looking at my smart and beautiful gf i felt i should be more hardworking than ever to secure a better future. although my life i wont go by left but i will live with a clear conscience a man of right , making by right as my armour. Dun give up ...endure.... persevere..... upgrade and upgrade... never fall.... only to pursue the unlimited knowledge throughout my life...
5:26 AM; &they are gone forever
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Too Good means not good
This post shouldnt be familiar as others may sound it out but im just another one that have this incident occur on me.
I landed in a place where i choose myself and listen to the wrong person saying that place would be a better place. But when i reach there it isnt as good as those were to say. Starting im like a ghost over there not recognise and not appreciated. The more i work even trying my minimal not to show im too up or wat they all means garang. But eventually i over work and it seems everyone have all kind of comment. basically just like im not the management lvl staff but i acted like one all those kind. True im not the management staff but its just like the CEO of the whole company entitled me something like management staff which none of the ppl in the company recognise.
Maybe im still not that matured yet i do still take in some bad comments all this stuff. But lucky i met someone who had the same frequency as me as least life is not too bad. Got one more ppl that can have heart to heart chat. At least with him life isnt that bad. Of course got my dear dear to keep spamming msg to me. If not i will be the pessimistic again.
I found myself too blind on the ranks. Something that i over hold it and break it in my hand. I gotta accept myself a normal staff instead of being up in the management staff. I wan the old self me again. Happy go lucky. Even ppl were not to recognise me i still got my love ones and my buddy to chat with. But the buddy is going to leave in june which will make me more lonely.... meanwhile i gotta to be more mentally stronger. Even were to take all my books to read in camp. i found myself too complacent and neglecting in upgrading myself. Thats y i ended myself taking in of others comment and make myself feel so terrible. Although i already break down the moment i reach my room. But come to think of that im so immature. Im a grown up. But yet i still have the thinking of a teenager.
This society is just like some monstrous place. Its just that i become forgetful. maybe at times when im back to work, it would be a better me of putting no feeling at all. At times being too emotion isnt as good as it is, especially at works. Putting emotion into works is forbidden as it will affect the process of the works.
Best part of life is end of the week or end of the day u can see ur parents call them papa mama im home and ask them to eat. Even to chat with ur love one through msn. sometimes when u go think u dun need to be rich or poor or whatever u can think to feel bless and warmth. The warmth ultimately come from yourself to the others and its links thats y the bond between parents are so strong and unbreakable even if u deny it.
Lastly im lucky enough to have my love one accompany me even if its through msn =)
Lucky got my dear dear accompany me for so long and even endure my bad temper. Thanks dear dear. Sorry for ill treating u when im in bad mood sorry (>. <) promise u to treat u better once i leave this lousy 'company' i love u dear *SMOOCH*
4:50 AM; &they are gone forever
