Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Painful
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA................i wan to shout out loud today but i cant...something inside is bursting out i cant control it anymore ...............its so hurtful ............my heads hurts so much ..............so much that its driving me crazy ...........i almost flare up with my mum in front of my big auntduring dinner when my mama say that i not enough and i beg her for money...................IM BEING FRAME AGAIN........i hate this ......................i already feeling moody today after receiving the news that my bao bei need to overnight at raffles place mac to chiong finish here project ..........my bao bei ask me if im sad YES I AM.............thats my reply ...............i go have a good cold bath to cooldown but somehow .....i still cant cooldown eventually due to externally effect like my mum and myself.............after that short nap im not feeling well i feel like im going to have a fever..........i wanted to cry for my bao bei care.............but think again she need to be focus for her project and studies ..i better keep my mouth shut...........hahhaa alot of times im so disgusted by myself and get to know y alot of ppl hate me .........all those words that i once say before was so childish so not realistic so ......so giving hope to others where i din give myself a hope at all..........am i moody YES I AM am i SAD YES I AM..........am i CRAZY YES I AM............my head hurts so much now that how i wish i can eat a bomb explode everything out ....................and now my perssimistic thinking came backz ...........my mind is in a total mess .............and i believe if someone trigger something i will cry out loud............i wan to cry but i cant .............think sooner or later i will be back to the past where im asking for more and more pain..............my big aunt ask me did i get into UNI i say no application failed............dunno y all this words is like stated my failure .............dunno y alot of times i feel im such a useless guy and it never prove me wrong.....................im so weak physically .........im so weak mentally..................i let my bao bei worry me and let her feel bad alot of times i see her cry i cant help much .....wat can i do .....can i cry ......maybe in my heart ......................always trying to give my best to everyone around me yet i cant ...............im losing faith.............i have fallen..........and i sooner or later will ask for more and more pain .....................as for now im already feeling painful internallly by my mum and myself..........if i were to say ppl fall down at certain times i fall down right now at this moment............internally there are 3 choices for me let go of everything or Wait or dun do anything .............im feeling very empty now...........if i were to return back to nothingness will i no need to pick a choice...............maybe...........or even maybe i wun feel hurt or pain in my heart..............i wish my bao bei can be right by my side now comforting me ..............hahaha such a unreasonable thinking...............i think i miss her too much le..........................i can only pray hard that her project can finish in time and her preparation for exam will be ready cause her exam is near...........just hope that i wun be a burden to her at such critical timing............i will just endure this pain bah .....pain of missing her thoroughly in the heart ..................falling sick now............feeling very feverish temperature getting higher and higher..............very painful now
4:26 AM; &they are gone forever
Thursday, July 17, 2008
wat is normal me
today dunno y alot of thinking flow into my mind i cant get off it the more i try to resist the more it flow in more and its driving me crazy and even affected all my feeling and eventually i felt nothingness........suddenly my temper rise and stop rise and stop uncontrollably till im really driving myself crazy i suddenly cant adjust myself to let my foot to walk slowly as i wan ................and finally a hope can in my bao reply me msg ......she asking me out for a walk ....and the thing is im totally unstable........in a very crazy mood.....i very scare i will hurt my bao bei.....................im so scared......thats y during the phone i sound so unwillingly..............and due to this i let her felt insecure..........i let my fear overtake me ............wat a bastard thing i have done again.........im super piss off with myself .............reason.....is because of my unstable mood ......i miss her so much i wanna msg her after she gone but i couldnt.......i let out an aura which totally frighten off all the ppl around and they all shun at me and which i give out icy cold look to them........i can only ssay i hate them..........i hate those ppl who give me that look..........but more importantly for the 1st time i lost my courage to say i miss her...........im dying inside to see her once more again yet i cant .....i dunno y.....i just so really miss her but the feeling of nothingness keep dragging me back ............i lost to myself today..........she indeed cheer me up .......but when she is gone "it" come back haunt me..........trying my best to feel this way le bao bei sorry i tried my best le ...........more importantly im very sorry letting u feel so insecure.......during msn when all the truth have been pour out my heart start to pain and my tears start to flow .........and i finally say i miss her ..........bao bei its not our feeling dan le .......its i love u too much and i dunno how to show out for today.......i cried throughout the night in my heart ..................its so painful cause of my stupid mistake and my dumbness result this ...........and today my bao bei and kw say the same thing be my normal self ...sorry to say today i really forget wat is my ownself......sorry ..............the more i think wat is the normal me the more im confuse u all ask me not to think but i just cant .....i wan to be normal too......but i forget wat is my normal self ................i need someone to help me get back my normal self...........im wanna cry out for help and when i look around all again im lonely ...............i can only start looking at bao bei blog and think of our happy memories to get hold of myself ..........bao bei this is to u :i dun lie especially to u is because i love u too much...cause for me if i start to lie it will make me not loyal to u(thats wat i think) ...but no matter wat i will be loving as how we met and the love will never change and i will never lie to u.....cause u are my dearest.........i love u bao bei....Esther Neo Wan Xin
9:55 AM; &they are gone forever
Monday, July 14, 2008
At a Lost
ytd night very happy that can pei my bao bei....but something is wrong when we on the way to her home im not sure how to use words to say but can only say something is amiss trying my best to cheer her up......however can felt she is not happy.....try to ask her wat is going on ............but she....she just dun wan to say ......suddenly find myself very lousy and useless cant figure out wat mistake have i done to make her so unhappy.......somehow......she cried....my heart so terrible......so terrible .....i tried to control my tears but still in the end it flow by itself......its soo painful to see her unhappy or sad and even she cried...although i cant cheer her up but at least i dun let her feel lonely ....she very caring and ask me to early to meet up with my buddy and go home early however i promise her something ...maybe she may forget but more importantly i did not forget.....hope my action warm up her heart ....letting her feel she is not alone..or even letting her feel emo........before i go i tried to see her as much as possible till she closed the door completely even when i walk downstair i keep looking up at her window to try to even see her as much as possible ......when meet up with buddies kang wei and zhi yong left sin yu i thought he watching tv will be coming down later but in the end he wan to sleep early and therefore do not wan to come down......suddenly then they tell me sin yu and apple break ....its like so sudden......wanna console sy but he not there he sleeping in his house ...think he not really sleeping but thinking bah......have a good chat with my buddies not bad lah the feel is still there.....that night when i reach back i msg her that i reach home she reply back i was shock dun tell me she got wait for me to reach home then sleep hor ......haiz disturb her sleep feel kind of bad.......hope she have enough sleep ......2day will be very tiring for her......and tonight will be meeting her again till her parents is back then i will leave.....hope to9 i can cheer her up ....for her happiness......bringing her smile back 4 sure .......4 sure.
6:20 PM; &they are gone forever
Monday, July 7, 2008
What should i do?
haiz wat should i do??????Not sure of bao bei izzit emo for ytd ???or???she sound like we may not last long which i duun like to hear.........have i given her too much stress?????or did i do anything upset her?????even though she say is about her....but how about me ??????? I care for her too ......Today wake up im in the half abit emo state le ......i dunno wat to say about me ........i cant be selfish .....i cant be angry .....i just want to be by her side .........everytime i remember wat she say in msn ytd night my heart will fall&Pain abit.....and my tears will slowly creeping out of my eyes........haiz singpore dunno y just lack of water can come take water from me le.........when working somehow i feel sian i wan to stone i wan to lax i wan to sleep.............work indeed sux thats wat i feel from work now le.....wat should i do wat should i do im feeling so dead but i cant tell my bao bei how dead am i i dun wan to let her worry ........i cant smile.....i cant laugh .....i shut myself totally inside out in the corner of my company....corner are good its cozy watever thing done at there no one will know except urself.....thats y for working i like to hide at corner.......i start to feel like running away from reality again ..........tired externally and internally the pain inflict by work is so damaging............and can only wait for the time where i can see my bao bei then the damage will start to heal .........suddenly see too much the monitor make my eyes even more like sleeping .........today dun feel like eating anything even though im hungry suddenly have no mood for everything and i found out y i am like cause is a raining day ..............................wanna run into the rain and sleep ..............
6:27 PM; &they are gone forever
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Dun mess with garlic/onion.....
Gosh sat is a horrible day i have almost alot of customer who called in "angry Mode" or in "dunno Mode" spam me till me going crazy lucky got bao bei msg me to keep me off from getting into Angry Mode was very very happy to receive her msg =) ...........but still before that time i can go a Angry customer called in me REALLY BUAY TAHAN AND SHOW ATTITUDE TO THE CUSTOMER.......OH YES>.......i feel so song LOL..........haiz customer service line so hard to deal with especially contact centre..............hahaha that day when time reach 5 i immediately chiong out meet my bao bei OHHHH GOSH HER LIGHT MAKE UP WOOSH ..she look so sweet loh..........omg .......especially her lips ......hehe......BAO BEI U ARE REALLY VERY PRETTY WHEN U DO LIGHT MAKE UP.................XD...........and oh yeah i did a bad thing to her i bought a ring which really suits her alot without her paying xp BLEAHZ ........finally can buy something that she like and .......hehe....is a RING...yippee ..can finally buy her a ring which she need the most where she cant get for the past few dayz......so happy that i can buy for her something that she wants....yeah x)........but before that gosh we went cafe cartel bao bei help me put no onion no garlic and guess wat the mushroom pasta have onion and garlic which make me weird weird for that night ..........its not bao bei fault its them fault dun blame urself plzs........haiz .onion and garlic has such a bad effect on me which i dun wan to say that make me..............EEEEEK............and last for 2 day ..........for sat &sun..........haiz.....lucky sun around afternoon the whole effect is totally remove from my body le........sunday is also very happy its has been my longing that i can lie in the arm of my bao bei and she hug me and let me lie inside her arms ..........felt so warmth............so touched too......so touch that she can be by my side and me can be by her side ..........then after that more importantly she cook for me and WOW the egg she can cook better than me.....oh gosh need to ask my dad to teach me how to cook liao haiz.....my cooking skill lose to her sia....sob...sob....but she really cook very nice especially for the egg ...hehehe...........then after that the whole family go out to hougang mall to have dinner erm abit paiseh when her mama treat haiz wanna tell her i pay myself but dunno y my mouth like got super glue tio stuck just wont open haiz hope did not give bad impression to bao bei parents.....sob sob..... then we went up to the rootop she show me her gathering with friends the playground hahaha ...erm she told me something funny about the swing ...and i wanted to laugh out loud but cant lah got alot kid over there...hahahahahahah....after that she climb over near the rooft me so afraid of height then come down and try to hold her whenever she wanted to look out very scared she may fall off ...scare me out sia ......haiz.......after that we went to 1st lvl we buy alot of past candies and the popiah candies is so nice and i bought for my parents too but the mornign i found out they did not eat haiz....but after we went back me very shock of my action i combine alot puzzle and the puzzle is getting bigger and bigger le OH YEAH i can place a very nice puzzle at her room le and is super big and is super nice.......but still there is one thing i always dun like that is my time is up and i need to go le...haiz .....i always dun wan to go wanna pei her more and the feel is always there dun wan letting her go.......but still i have to go.........when im at downstair i look up again praying hard nothing bad will happen to her ........and inside the mrt ....somehow i was mesmerized by her laughter by her beauty she revived my memory of my past laughter.........and i never felt so happy before just seeing my bao bei laughing non stop .....my heart start to smile le...............and i kept decided to keep this memory here and in my heart .................and somehow i just cant stop myself of missing her......i miss her le........
6:14 PM; &they are gone forever
Thursday, July 3, 2008
i have a wrong thinking
YTD feel so dead .......walking zombie...............already very dead le...........im totally crush by everything by myself......at the moment i want to hold on to something but i totally no strength le i have no strength to walk forward i lost my courage i lost myself............i agreed my gal able to cheer me up but after seeing her blog in the morning.......wat am i going to say about myself ........uselesss.......or bastard?i felt i have given her stress which i dun wan .......even myself i dunno wats wrong with me...........i dunno how to be angry only know angry myself.......and giving myself something call despair..........reason i start to dislike my thinking ........am i totally stress out by my surrounding :yes .......family buddies work ........im tired .......i can feel i start to curl up and start to isolate myself ........my bao bei is right this is the reality ..........and im the one bound to bear everything......even the tears i flow for missing her so much only myself know and indeed no one pity and i do not want anyone to pity me too.....i ask my self again have a really been happy before i seriously can say 2 times........one is with my Liu nanny house......second is whenever my bao bei is by my side caring and hugging me..............bao bei im apologised for my idiotness my selfishness and my stupid thinking of idea i have.............i just hope i can sleep inside ur arm......haha i can only laugh at my stupid greediness........which is impossible .........suddenly again i wanna curl up and keep sleeping and sleeping .....i can only rate myself as a jerk who let my gal worry for me so much till herself have negative thinking.........im ...such.....a .....jerk....................
6:23 PM; &they are gone forever
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
start to listen to the wind
Somehow this few week im super unlucky thats wat i can say to myself almost like all call bad caller like that...............and best part is my MP3 player the menu button spoilt the button like it sink inside gosh man i spoilt a MP3 of wat i like lucky still can listen .............somehow i remember wat my father told me once listen to wat is around is also way of nature unless necessary then listen to MP3 so somehow this few day go on life without my MP3 and i start to listen to wat is around me.....................i find it quite not bad afterall.................but more importantly i heard something inside my heart ................I MISS my bao bei...........ytd night join my buddy with them to watch a movie called never back down learn alot of thing and let me even wanna cherish my surrounding more alot ................especially my bao bei ............that night we walk home i msg her and she went to sleep cause she have to study the next day .............somehow before i sleep i pray hard nothing bad will come to her and i pray and i pray and suddenly i regain something back ..........dunno wat it is ...........but its good thats wat my feel told me ..............when i went back to my bed somehow i miss and cant stop thinking about her even though the next day we were going to meet for lunch ..............somehow i felt 2 falling star across my face ...............one from each eye ............it fall quite fast and after that slowly and slowly i felt asleep .................and today finally get back to work but definitely i have no mood for work i simply just use those easy attitude to treat my caller somehow .............cause all i wan is to see my bao bei ..........before meeting her all the collegue bring in all the food to contact centre and the smell make me totally no strength at all and i gotta endure till 2 AWWWWWWWWWWWWW very hungry and miss my bao bei .........and when 2 finally come i keep chiong down to find her and i never though im much more faster than the msg that i sent out ..........wahahahaha feel so proud in that can reach her side before my msg reach her.............had wonderful lunch at subway which my uncle work over there keep letting him treat me i kind of feel damn bad cause he treat me think going to be more than 10 times le sob sob yet i only treat him a dozen of chewy junior only............but more importantly i finally met my bao bei.............starting see her i was so happy i was so contented even though morning accidentally our train past each other at DOVER i saw her walk out MRT where my train reach dover i saw her back ..........wanna msg her but think quite slow therefore i called her and describe everything and had a little chat at least give me a bit of energy to carry on for my work in the morning ...................somehow during lunch with bao bei i felt much more better even though she let me worried that her stomach pain in the morning .........me actually wanna run to her give her any med i can find but kind of find myself so useless cant be by her side when she need me sob sob but at least during lunch saw her alright i felt so much better but when 3 is arriving i miss her so much just dun wan to let her go and wanna go with her which i cant...........find myself so useless sob sob..........haiz after that went back to work tio something i never encounter before again haiz..............can say big shit bah..........lucky bao bei write something on my hand and give me strength to carry on lucky cased solve until nice nice thanks bao bei u are the best =).............when im finally back home me sat down after eating and bathing and wait for my bao bei i went back listen to my music i like suddenly felt like long time no listen and when listen it totally calm me down..............but still at the same time it make me even miss my bao bei even even more..................finally i gain back myself ...............and i miss my bao bei and bao bei this is to u"Anata no koto wo kangaeteiru and anata ga inaku-te sabishi-kattayo. zutto kangaete itayo"
5:14 AM; &they are gone forever
