RainingWind

Screw or be screwed

2010-10-04T06:45:00.000-07:00

screw up week. F8 its so screw up. i screw up by not looking properly the msg my gf sent. i screw up my studies. F8. just this two is enough to be so screw up. human are selfish. i try not to be burden for others even for my love one le why am i still getting such thing. i try to be good to everyone around me but why am i still being screw. Guess wat my gf 1st time throw an F word at me. 2 years and 6 month plus there is almost none vulgarities. and now there is. this show how pathetic i am. wan to be good to gf wan to be good in studies wan to be good to everybody and this is what i get. heart broken. great........ i really had enough le. i seriously really had enough le. no one wan to understand me even for my love one. dun blame me for being bad temper or wat from now on. i did try my best to control. and since im now at my peak stress period. i wont be anymore good guy. and guess wat now i respect Mrs Lee the most why? cause she is the pillar support for MM Lee his husband for 60 years ++ and make MM LEE father of singapore. If singapore have more of this character of female singapore guys no need to go other country to find wife and mistress liao. F8 with all the attitude ppl. IM SO PISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS OFFFFFFFFFFFFF i just cant control my anger. this sucks. blame me as u all wan. _I_

Sad and Emo again

2010-07-28T03:43:00.000-07:00

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA today is so sad. my bao bei go malaysia i miss her so badly. den everyone like back to square one bully me again. come back home my dearest cactus dying sob sob. wa today so happening. dun care must find mean and way to revive the cactus as much as possible. 11 more working day and everybody is going against me. somewhats feel lonely and very sad. draw circle liao sob sob. haiz .. life now a bit down and even more down sob sob. wish dear was here to console me. i miss her even though she only went for almost 11 hours only sob sob. Curse the ppl who backstab and bad mouth me and make all my effort gone down to waste.

Feeling quite emotional...somehow

2010-03-24T05:26:00.000-07:00

this few day keep raining.....and rain started to soak me inside out..... kind of emotional.... firstly dear dear going to taiwan this saturday early in the morning... and i cant send her off...... my dad told me to be someone with meaningful skill and be useful person..... thats means i dunno how to " fan Fa" doing illegal stuff.... everything in my mind is to be good to be nice to be kind. but im not so sure about myself. i know there is a crazy part of me violent part of me caring part of me nice part of me workaholic me and pursuing of knowledge of me but im thrown into a place where im seeing all kind of ppl with by left and not by right. wats wrong wats right everything confuse me. but i wan to be right. i wan to have clear conscience......... i just wanted to go back to my study life.... at least book give me more knowledge ........ i wan to fill myself to be something useful like doing maths question and see circuits board. but recently im forgetting everything..... i lose touch in all kind of thing...... im like starting to lose everything......im blinded somehow........i feel im blinded by something but i cant see it i need some outsider to tell me wat am i blinded? by this world by wat?
i cant help thinking much and listening to those oldies to remind me and chilll me down...... but one thing im quite tired somehow. really tired doing one company stuff where only one man is doing.......... living like rats hiding there and here doing carrying a nuclear arrowing board. haiz. each bomb being fire is not arrow but like nuclear got radiation. maybe its a test for me to test my patience my endurance but it will reach till 5 month. after 5 more month i will pursue my knowledge. and i dun wan to live with regret. Jeffrey u last time told me about ur uni life and u are the only tution teacher who is able recognise my ability even though that time im a failure student. i cover my mistake during my poly time. b ut not enough. i will pursue ur step and my father step. i will make sure my whole life pursuing knowledge. i regretted for my past 17 years of life only to make my life fruitful a bit for 3 years.. not enough ... not enough to redeem my own 17 years of sin. looking at my smart and beautiful gf i felt i should be more hardworking than ever to secure a better future. although my life i wont go by left but i will live with a clear conscience a man of right , making by right as my armour. Dun give up ...endure.... persevere..... upgrade and upgrade... never fall.... only to pursue the unlimited knowledge throughout my life...

Too Good means not good

2010-03-03T04:50:00.000-08:00

This post shouldnt be familiar as others may sound it out but im just another one that have this incident occur on me.

I landed in a place where i choose myself and listen to the wrong person saying that place would be a better place. But when i reach there it isnt as good as those were to say. Starting im like a ghost over there not recognise and not appreciated. The more i work even trying my minimal not to show im too up or wat they all means garang. But eventually i over work and it seems everyone have all kind of comment. basically just like im not the management lvl staff but i acted like one all those kind. True im not the management staff but its just like the CEO of the whole company entitled me something like management staff which none of the ppl in the company recognise.

Maybe im still not that matured yet i do still take in some bad comments all this stuff. But lucky i met someone who had the same frequency as me as least life is not too bad. Got one more ppl that can have heart to heart chat. At least with him life isnt that bad. Of course got my dear dear to keep spamming msg to me. If not i will be the pessimistic again.

I found myself too blind on the ranks. Something that i over hold it and break it in my hand. I gotta accept myself a normal staff instead of being up in the management staff. I wan the old self me again. Happy go lucky. Even ppl were not to recognise me i still got my love ones and my buddy to chat with. But the buddy is going to leave in june which will make me more lonely.... meanwhile i gotta to be more mentally stronger. Even were to take all my books to read in camp. i found myself too complacent and neglecting in upgrading myself. Thats y i ended myself taking in of others comment and make myself feel so terrible. Although i already break down the moment i reach my room. But come to think of that im so immature. Im a grown up. But yet i still have the thinking of a teenager.

This society is just like some monstrous place. Its just that i become forgetful. maybe at times when im back to work, it would be a better me of putting no feeling at all. At times being too emotion isnt as good as it is, especially at works. Putting emotion into works is forbidden as it will affect the process of the works.

Best part of life is end of the week or end of the day u can see ur parents call them papa mama im home and ask them to eat. Even to chat with ur love one through msn. sometimes when u go think u dun need to be rich or poor or whatever u can think to feel bless and warmth. The warmth ultimately come from yourself to the others and its links thats y the bond between parents are so strong and unbreakable even if u deny it.

Lastly im lucky enough to have my love one accompany me even if its through msn =)
Lucky got my dear dear accompany me for so long and even endure my bad temper. Thanks dear dear. Sorry for ill treating u when im in bad mood sorry (>. <) promise u to treat u better once i leave this lousy 'company' i love u dear *SMOOCH*

LOst again

2009-08-19T06:03:00.000-07:00

Although alot of time i felt very lost somehow but this few weeks im even more lost. Lost in myself my chest pain all the illness just suddenly attack me.....i felt so useless....felt so troublesome to everyone around me.....army did make one grow but make one tired too....is it i tired myself out may ....at night my chest pain will double....just hope its just normal chest pain...although i did felt something wrong with my heart buy i keep telling myself there is no prob with my heart.but breathing that time sometimes did hurts like a sharp pain.....hope my friend sway mouth dun come true not any heart dieases or wat.......too much thing happen......chest pain really just dun go away it just persist for weeks le.....need to wait till cardiology specialist that will be end of november.......my life wat can i do is only really study and study? i wan grow stronger in army in terms of fitness but dunno y end up to such a useless bum.....end up this chest pain ....height prohbia.....even affecting my normal life.......i really feel like going berserk whenever it comes to height......i felt so .....useless......i cant control my emotion anymore.......always can only wait till no one let i let out all my emotion.......mental and physically being hhurt.....mental hurt by my own height probhia......physically is my chest pain that dun wan go away........ last year in other place there is no such problem yet when come to this camp small minor problem arise....is it my fault? is it me who really cant be positive? i try to be positive .....but end up i feel negative........ i felt so useless.... i started to succeed in none......i can only endure now ....endure..... my only salvation is the love that my dearest bao bei give me......i felt so weak.....i only wanna live very very very very very low profile just like sec school time.......the time where i felt im like a living rat where everybody shouting to kill me or hate me........so prone to any kind of illness now......so weak now..... i see my unit ppl all are so strong all are so fit.....i start to deem myself really more and more dun fit to be there only really just fit to be sai kang warrior only.....i know the logic of dun compare dun complain.....but who will really understand and use it......can only feel my soul like getting smaller my flame start not to burn anymore.......maybe its me who ultimately who cant change or adapt to changes bah......problem still end up and always lie in me........ sometimes i really find myself damn pathetic......... i promise bao bei not to negative and write more positive post but end up i still write negative thing sorry bao bei.....but if its no for ur love i really dun find any meaning in my life.....thank you bao bei i love u ......

Bomb,Barrel,Bomabardment

2009-04-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

This few day seems like cant avoid being bombard all the tome be it anywhere or everywhere. Worst is being bomb until inside out. i help ppl "that bunch of ppl" bombard me. When their prob is solve they treat thing as nothing. SUA DULAN. going back to outside world also kana shoot kana bomb. thought life will be better although the bom is so less so minor but its just dug out the pain each and pieces from my heart. This world sucks man. i dun hope for anything cause ultimately it give me despair....i dun wish or argue for the thing i wan cause it will turn out to be either useless or worthless. i always wan to change to better man and hell look at me now. im bloody hell complainging this and that. yes other suffer alot more than me they ought should complain more than me. so does that mean i cant complain. ppl try to understand ppl more but yet always turn out ppl being understood dun understand the ppl who understand them. isnt this the law of human. y would i think of that cause thats wat i see. i tried to understand the whole world but end up do they even understand me? thats y i say i dun hope for anything it will turn out to be more hurtful towards me. i HATE THIS WORLD. my heart recently started to feel back with hatred. im becoming a worst man. my attitude becoming worst. my fear of height even get worse. sometimes i really do just y cant i sleep eternally just like my grampy. maybe im tired or wat. maybe im lack of wat. i dunno. suddenly i choose to become follower than to become half follower and half leader. there are some ppl that i once teach them turn out to be shit of this world. choosing a path that end up my own destruction. hahaha end up im still that bad guy i wanted for in my life. but is a worthless useless bad guy.......... heart really hurts more and more and seems like there is no cure.............i couldnt make my gf happy even this week is her birthday week. wat shit bf i am. i cant accept her joke and i take it as hurtful words. she cant accept my jokes....i tried to care but she just keep silence. maybe the prob lies with me. suddenly is like our comunication breakdown.... even though she wan to resolve the prob yesterday night..... but i could only see everything turn out will be seeing my fault arise from the start till now. i could only see endless fault from me. is my gf defensive. she need to be defensive. do i need to be defensive. no i dont neeed i dont see the point when im hurt so much inside out to the core and defence for myself. i just feel like lying down bleed to death. slowly stab one stab by one stab from everyone in the world that i know stab me and stab me. last time i could even accept betrayal..... but now i become so weak that i cannot accept stabbing in front of me from everyone. stabbing from ppl i trust in army......... even worse than stabbing. i should say its bomb. its bombardment from their barrel. cause they are gunner. im just 2 flag waving for them to bomb. and now im so weak till i brought out this stupid prob out to my own world. trying to be perfect i cant anymore. just let me bleed to death. for those who wan to stab more please stab more in the front. some stab at the back also can. just stab as much as u all wan bah. im tired. i will be the corpse for the world to stab........wanna bomb just bomb bah since its area of effect. FOXTROT TANGO WHISKY

2009-04-08T07:04:00.000-07:00

this week is a short week for me in ns due to good friday....but i end up only can meet my baobei once...which is on sat....cos fri i need to go shao mu with my parents and sun baobei gg batam with her family....so nice, can go batam with her family. so poor me got to stay at home and sleep whole day. but at least i can pei my parents even though they might be out wrking whole day....

anw, baobei helped me change my blogskin...haha....very nice hor? i think is quite cool...haha...my baobei so li hai...always get nice things for me de. love her lah.

my mama's bday coming le...two impt persons in my life haf bday on april..one is mama...another one is baobei...haha. then i promised my parents that i m gg to cook for them on mama's bday but end up dunno cook wad....haha....headache...then baobei helped me think of some dishes...lol...if really no choice i think i order pizza le..haha.then ownself eat...lol....as for baobei..i prepared her bday gift le...haha...dun wan to tell her...gg to give her on 18th even though her bday on 26th...lol...v.excited to give her...then see her happy face and her smile....haha....miss her alot nw.....this week can only meet her once loh.....very sad....=(

but baobei promise to bring nice nice things back for me from batam...haha...she for sure shop whole day de...lol...my baobei so cute lah.....^.^

tmr ns got exams.....wah...cham liao...tmr dunno how i cry cos got tt tear gas exam.....i 1st batch somemore....lol...tmr i laugh and cry then ppl thought i siao...haha....then still got M16 rifle...first time handling siaz...ppl all handle be4 bt i 1st time...somemre got exam on that....waaa.....but i promise baobei i can pass de...so i for sure can pass...baobei said must be confident in myself.i will do it for her de.=)

hao lah....gtg liao...need to book in again....tmr need to wake up at 5am....sian...hope tmr can pass then faster book out meet baobei...yay...tmr can meet bao bei le^.^....haha,cant wait.....miss her alot. tap water gg to flow again le....

anw......thanks baobei for helping me to type this entry....haha.....cos i now not infront of computer....LOL.

Credits to: Baobei=)

Breakdown

2009-03-20T15:56:00.000-07:00

Have u ever once in a week deem as no esteem no confidence?
Have u ever once a week try to care for the ppl u love and ended up hurting or being hurt?
Have u ever once a week been so stress out been so tired out by many thing?
Have u ever once a week do something u never done be4 and u cant take it?
Have u ever once a week trying to understand someone u love and ended up with all the harsh words?
Have u ever once a week trying means and way to protect ur love and ended up unappreciated?
Have u ever once a week really have the heart to meet ur love yet there are so many thing just happen to block the way?
Have u ever try to console ur love one yet ended being hurt so much yet u still let ur love hate herself saying all the harsh thing that she think?

Hadnt i done so much thing using all the action to prove that i tried solving all the prob? i tried but y i fail i dunno y? yesterday night i was giving my love to her ....but the more she speak .....everything sounded i should not even been born to this world..... when the word extra come out......i felt more like im the extra......cause i was deem as extraordinary........ u once say i ought to have my own stand...... here my stand was crush down totally..... i dunno wats wrong with me....recently i just cant accept anything anymore and yet the world whole is asking more and more......be it at work be it family be it love one........i tried to balance thing out so that all would be happy.......but the more i tried the more negative result it ended....... i didnt know when i truly need support and i really had no support at all......whenever i need support i ended up making ppl angry sad hating me..... is just like in the past......my existence was always an extra...... once im used finish just throw me one side and wait to be reuse...... i tried to be nice i tried to control my temper i tried even throwing my temper away so that i wont hurt my love one........when i can finally control.....everything came crashing down on me.... recently my heart getting hurt more and more ...... i think i just wait for it till it cannot handle all the stress and let it burst bah.....ultimately im still deem as a useless guy in the whole wide world.......i cant let my love one be happy ....i hurt her....... i cant totally let my family be happy..... i was scolded......i cant even let my buddy be happy......i was shoot badly........ my love my family and my buddy was my whole life......all just turn against me....... i really hate to be ..... the myself now.......the worst pain of all is i hurt my bao bei so much even when i tried to console i even cant speak up for her and ended up speaking out for myself.....i fail to understand her more......i fail my stress management......i fail everything....... i just hope i dun drag my love down when im really super unlucky this year...... just hope just pray just wish that my love can be heal internally and externally.....hope her asthma wont attack up ever again and no sickness happen to er......just pray that she is safe and sound nothing bad ever happen to her.....and just wish she receive the happiness she ask for...... for i myself i dun wan to ask for more be4 i lose everything.........i know the feeling of losing when u started wan to cherish....... and i hope i still can cherish my bao bei for the rest of my life........ but be4 that i had already breakdown.....i know she also breakdown too le.......but .........i cant get up meanwhile.......just lying down there bleeding bah........ when is the next crisis maybe next week? maybe tomorrow maybe even later........i cannot take it le........ i dun need my gf to control or to give in anymore le....... she is probably too tired too le....... her heart is also tired le....... sorry bao bei that i did not understand u more........i tried ....but i fail...... dun hate yourself please....... just hate me as u can bah...... im sorry......

HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY

2009-03-16T05:42:00.001-07:00

YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH we are one year le hehehe very very happy. hahaha although got in mind wat to bought for her but i never expect just bought the gift the sales girl manage to convince my to buy additional thing so i bought it too never thought the price waseh ....enough for me not to spend the money for next 3 week le lol. But anyway thats not the main point. the main point is OH MY GOD MY BAO BEI WEAR SO HOT ON THAT DAY. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BUAY TAHAN LAR Y MY BAO BEI SO BEAUTIFUL LAR......errr too enthu le ... errr anyway well YEAH my bao bei treat me ice white chocolate mocha waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa SO NICE LAR. awwww den i just cant stop drinking den after that we go pasta mania =)

At 1st thought we will be craving for apple crumble but ended up we call set meal and eat our lunch at suntec. i got to say that its quite nice lar the food but well i ended up at toilet somehow worst is during our fun time ~.~! after our lunch we go suntec arcade to have fun hahaha ended up we play the lame game hahaha we played all 3 scenario but .... the coin stuck and we got to call the ppl to take out the coin. den after that my stomache so much that i got to rush to toilet in the end haiz... spoil mood. but be4 that i got to mention that the lavender smell that bao bei bought for me is so nice lar. smell le somehow will be distress somehow. and sorry bao bei let u spend so much on that bottle. but i truely love it so much and its helpful to insonmia really. thank you bao bei =)

Anyway IT show did create quite alot of trouble for us. we got stuck 3 place and we ended up wasting quite alot of time stuck inside the crowd.. and my bao bei got piss off with a gal who piss me off. aww lar aww lar chill chill =) smilez. Its super hot and somehow we can use another short cut to mrt cause they close the gate of the mrt but ended up both of us got soak in water. hahaha but bao bei get dry up very fast somehow.

After we reach her house i go see her unwanted computer part and i take things that i may need out den after that i started to do all the puzzle thing. i told myself i wan to do as much as possible i dun wan my bao bei to get scolded by her mum for not doing her puzzle. so i set my brain usage to quite high and keep doing the max or even over the limit. =) and guess wat the bottom part is finsih.. YEAH.

haiz.....but good thing always never last i still got to book in to camp in the night sian..... den after that i tried to keep on hugging my bao bei and dun let her go. cause she is so warmth....i just wanna keep on hugging her till i sleep somehow.....ok dun say im sicko or wat just that wan a pure hug till i sleep thats all. haiz..... i just wan her ....

BAO BEI TELL U ONE THING I WILL NEVER WAN TO LEAVE U AND I WAN TO BE WITH U TILL THE END OF OUR TIME.........HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY I LOVE U (^. ^) Loving u deeply from the bottom of my heart .

Its raining day

2008-12-07T16:24:00.000-08:00

Today morning wake up its raining.....my parents wan me to join them for breakfast outside but i reject them cause i told them i wan to go and do something vvery important.....now when im alone.....somewhat i feel back the agony.......the pain .....the misery.......is like wanting to ask someone y im like born to pessimistic ....born to be lonely.......tired of my life...i dunno....inside me is still a very lonely little kid for this moment....its like being abandon and friend with a friend name lonely.......in the past no matter got wat activites small scale to large scale...i remember im the one always backing up if not i will shoo to one side so that no one notice.....in my heart i always dream of a gal who is willingly to be by my side....and now i have the dream....and i need to maintain this dream.....doing all my best.....but still at times i still cant help to have this feeling especially when im alone....im a weakling who cant speak up for wat i wan......im a idiot who always happy go lucky......im a dumbass who only know how to workhard with no brain......although a night has past ....the tears are still never gone.......the pain is still there.....i give in everything......but i never give up.......im just a shitass person who keep feeling shitty all times ....yes im pessimistic .....i try to change......but the environment dun allow me.....everybody ask me to put down my past......i cant...u know y?Once u know a true family love u will wan to cling it hard 4ever.....but i got it not from my parents but others....and through age that love was taken away.......i have to live in misery agony pain.....they say sec school life is the greatest.....my reply is SHIT IT......i hate it......ppl despise me ....ppl fear me.....ppl ignore me.....and its they all who train me to isolate myself .....and i started to friend loneliness.......worst is when i get to poly that stupid MRT case that happen to me ...i can only say my hope my everything was gone at that moment......yes now i have got my another half.....a true love .....but everytime i disappoint her.....i make her sad....even up to ytd i hurt her......i try to make up everything....but her attitude of cant be bother and her disbelieve on me gave me a huge impact that throughout the night my tears just keep flowing......being distrust for so many years......yet i still got back this feeeling......its hurt totally......its hurt totally......i really wish to change myself reallly to the best so that i wun hurt my love ones.........its always me....from the past till now.....its me who always make the mistake......its me.....now its raining outside the window...outside my eyes....inside my heart..........i regretted i never change for the better in the past in order not to hurt the one i love her deeply from my heart....hope to change seriously.......for the better......

Guilty...

2008-12-07T08:13:00.000-08:00

Know something...i keep telling myself i wun make the same old mistake in order not to hurt my love one...but today...i did the same old mistake and i hurt her...i felt the change..but she keep saying...she feel nothing..im so scare...her tears reminded me of my past...and the "eyes"the eyes that make me change.......This time ...im so scare....at the same time i got back the feeling of family is like...at the same time of today....i hurt my love one.......the moment i saw her tears my heart ache to the core.....i felt like stabbing my own heart......i control my tears throughout the trip but still it fall when i reach home....im lost...lost in everywhere..........i really hate myself....at that moment back home i felt so bastard.....yes i may think too much....but...i cant deny i hurt her and at the same time i hurt myself totally to the core.....the image of her crying just cant get out of my mind....if u ask me how guilty am i?I will reply..willingly to accept to be guilty and accept any punishment....Loving u 4ever is my dream...is my long term goal....cause i know no matter wat happen if u do not have love...u simply will feel u are nothing in this world.I found my another half...yet its seems like im chasing her away.....how bastard can i be.....she say she dun believe me le...at the moment my deeply sank....i really never lie to her.....but just cant be blame all the cause of unhappiness is cause by me...loving her with all my heart...never lie .....always try my best to make her happy...been true to her deep from the bottom of my heart.....i gave up games i gave up alot of thing my bad habit everything....and start from zero ...but has i really start afresh....??But one thing i do know ....i wan to love her for the rest for my life ...just wan to lead a simple life with my dearest bao bei...thats all

Last Post Be4 NS

2008-09-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

13/9/2008 i had a good time with my bao bei although is a last outing be4 i go NS and i look back at our past through all the photo just so cant bear to leave.......

=== thats the 6th month anniversary gift feel so touch with something call "Da Da Zhe Ji Tian Wo Bu Zha Ni SHen BIan ,Ni Yao Jia You Jia You,Wo Ai Ni ,Smuacks" LOve it so much =)

===U are always by my side===

Thats where we go out at suntec eating donut factory.This pic to me is one the nicest cause bao bei did smile from her heart....its just so beautiful with her smile =) alot of photo i did not upload but i only upload the best.

===I will always do my Best for u...always===

LOL i close my eyes when taking our photo oops....Bao bei always give out a smile .....that......is ......sooooooo...kawaii.
Look carefully wor she got a new hair cut hahaha =) so nice

===Promise are never mend to be broken===

This is where i smuggle Bao bei into my office when last time i work...haha although is forbidden....but i just did it ...oh ya i break the office rule waahhaha......oops ....Bao bei look so happy =) look so outgoing girl hahaha so kawaii..

===As long u are Happy , i will be Happy===

Hahaha Bao bei studying at burger King with her old specs......oh my she really look so cute lah .....she look like some primary school kids form teacher......oh gosh im totally mesmerize by her....hahaha.....the position somehow look like Zhao cai mao hahaha

===Looking at u Brighten up my whole life===

Thanks to Bao bei.....i having a hard times working at my job ...and during lunch we meet up and she wrote on my hand...alot of time i really had a hard time on that day.....

===U walk with me through my crisis===

.......................

There are alot alot more than i wan to talk to show my love to bao bei but just that time i just not enough.....i miss all the ppl around me but more importantly i miss u bao bei seeing the passt although got happy sad angry everything....i still say im very happy that u are my girl.....now it is ...in the future it will be......i love u......wait for me....

Ns Here i come.....with my bao bei by my side....

Fear

2008-09-04T06:55:00.000-07:00

haiz today just really not me.....hate to say so.....but damn me......wat am i when i seriously think............i dunno ......when i ask myself again when i hurt someone i love......i found myself getting smaller and smaller .............even not seeing myself.......morning i wake up scared cause of going NS and miss my bao bei so much and scared because leaving my bao bei alone...........wat she wan i give in ....but she give an idea today....somehow i felt hurt and accept unwillingly....i know she meant for my good....but somehow i just felt hurt ............if anybody were to ask me y i would say i duno......cause i even duno about myself.......and because of i dunno about my ownself i hurt my bao bei...again.....when im in the room alone closing my door ....i really felt alone....i was waiting for call or sms.......but none ......i always hope.....but always been despair......but den again....i think properly.....its my fault......and when i sort out my mind i try calling her sending her sms but she just no reply....haiz.....is NS giving me Fear.....no.....im Fearing for losing my bao bei.....thats y im not myself.......i Fear for losing her......really.....yet....i ...hurt....her.....im ...sorry..bao bei....im...sorry....

Genting trip

2008-09-03T19:55:00.000-07:00

31 August:Going to bao bei house after preparing all my thing going for the genting trip.when reaching her house we watch spirited away ....and waaaaaaaaaaaaa....even tough watch alot of time le .....i still like that movie ......its SOOOOOOOOO NICE LAH.....hahahaha...especially with my bao bei ........felt so happy .....=).....den after that we play computer game the sega emulator....haha so hard to play using keyboard but somehow we still play it...and its very fun.....and well bao bei .....hahha...abit lose control and cant stop laughing hahahha........her face was super funny lah.....hahahha....den after that we have dinner together.....and the dinner is really very nice also..=) eat something that i have not eat for a long time hahaha......then after that we went to the living room to watch show and wait till around 9.30 we slowly walk to kovan hub...den after that we take the bus kkkL....starting got abit dizzy so take out my med to make me feel comfortable......somehow that night abit cant bear to go maybe because miss my parents bah but luckily got my bao bei beside me at least somehow i felt comfortable and warmth.....when we on the way there bao bei notice something that is the sky is totally cover with stars....the scene is really just so beautiful and i was totally captured by the beauty of the star cause in my life i never see the whole sky cover with stars that all shine so brightly...thanks to my bao bei im able to see such beautiful scenary in my life ...and i notice something...under the starlight.....i look into my bao bei eyes.....her eyes is so beautiful just like the stars in the sky...which totally captured me totally...=)...really wor i never bluff..and bao bei is really very beautiful which always is =)......somehow when the trip continue i cant sleep so i keep seeing how my bao bei sleep hahaha....she keep tossing around if not her head will turn left turn right maybe cause of the bus keep bumping lah...haha den alot of time her head almost bump into the window....den around 1hour+ from malaysia custom we reach yong peng seems like alot of thing to buy den half an hour we board back the bus and around 3.45am we reach genting...didnt have any sleep throughout the whole trip dunno y..the place is so misty and really unable to see anything and somehow abit cold so i wear the jacket bao bei parents lend me.......not bad lah but cant keep wearing cause quite hot too ...but the air is indeed very fresh and cooling.....when we reach there we place our bag at some sort of place where it keep our bag.....den bao bei relatives all go casino play left us walking around ...but all the shop are like close ....den somehow when we walk around the close shop and trying to see the outdoor theme park but the mist is just so much that is unable to see from anywhere....anyway my tour guide is my bao bei =) hahaha she is really my everything hahaha.......she brought me around to all available places in genting haha....den somehow we walk till genting hotel and she somewat tired and i found there got place to sit down and let her sit ....somehow both accidentally fall asleep and let the ppl over there wake us up and chase us away hahaha....den we walk around those shopping area at genting hotel.....qutie alot lucky i saw a place where sell the chinese herbal soup that can cure my bao bei sore throat and her fever...but sadded is that shop is not open yet haiz.....den after that we walk around and saw her sis and her sis in law den we go marybrown have breakfast....somehow the bake bean there sucks destroy my whole stomach.....and my egg is green colour de bao bei sis egg is normal colour de....so much difference....den after that reallyt have no place to go then we go cyber cafe to kill time and we play quite some games like resident evil arh simpson arh bejewel and red alert 2 ...erm not sure izzit i misx up the sequences but we did somthing like that lah...den we try to see and play arcade but it just dun opne =(..................den around noon time we go get our lugguage and book into the hotel room at 1st world hotel....the hotel quite ok lah....the queue number is 48 quite fast lah but im more worried for my bao bei cause she almost lost her voice and getting feverish which is no good.....for the room allocation wise of course i share the room with bao bei dad and bao bei with her mum.....den after that we go haka the restuarant beside the casino to have breakfast ...not bad lah the bake bean there is not bad got the standard there hahhaa...den order chestnut sugar cane for bao bei to smooth her throat but still not very helpful ...den after that we go arcade to play got basket ball got motor got house of dead 3 den at we play after that we go do some shoppping but can see that bao bei really not feeling and she trying her best accompany me &show me around ....thank you bao bei...&sorry for troubling u making u speak so mucch even u sore throat.....after that we go back hotel room for a rest ......till 4 + bah..............- .- i think i mix up the sequence again mans something wrong with my memory....den in the end i sleep the most ....sound like im the most pig over there lol...............den we play arcade sing song sing baby shi wo....=)......den around night time we go play bowling.....and 1st time play bowling ....quite tough trhwoing heavy ball to hit all the target but somehow accidentally win for the 1st game =) but 2nd round kind of losing alot...but i notice somehow bao bei is not happy......me trying my best to comfort and ask her y izzi she become more sick but somehow she keep saying is alright.....but knew there is something amiss...den after that in star buck after the game she told me she couldnt find a good ball that suits her and something that i have done wrong while i playing.....never thought of that....but nvm after that we go back hotel to sleep....den the next day me wake up is already 8.30

2nd day in genting:Today wake up i keep bugging my bao bei i wan go theme park hahaha acted like a kidz....hahah....den after breakfast....we chiong to theme park!!!!!!!!!!wahahaha.....starting we sit the chair den swing us round up nad down de dunno wats that call but me got height probia starting find it hard to but after a few round abit ok lar but the phrobia still tthere..haiz.....den after that we go sit the cyclone .....waseh scary like a mini roller coaster .....got one part i super scared cause my my butt is off my seat especially going down for the 1st time den the rest not scary le....den after that we got sit crazy space lab arh pirate thing arh flying dragon and mine train arh and anitque car and kart arh.....flying dragon ok lah me just dun dare to look down cause scary and i saw guo wei over flying dragon........ mine train not bad lah still abit scary hahaha.......antique car haha we almost bang onto somebody car too....hahaha....den at night we go watch WALL-E.....super cute lar.......love that movie....hahaha.....eve and wall-e haha one is old machine one is new machine yet can be together so nice ....den after that we go watch dreamz...not bad lar those magician and white tiger and white lion what impress me the most are the kids with flex body and those daring move quite shocking.....they all look so young and able to do such stun....haha den after we meet up with bao bei relatives and eat supper at pizza hut...man i eat until i afraid of pizza le but the pizza there not realy that good compare to sg....hhaaha sorry lah me like food alot de....haha den we go back to hotel ...den be4 sleep bao bei dad and i have a small chat....while chatting we chat about society my dad occupation and saying im too honest....im so sure about that but ..haiz...nvm bah.....think too much le....make myself did not sleep well....

Last day.....
somehow time is really flying fast we go arcade clear house of dead 4 we went shopping eat fried ice cream ...when we left genting bao bei ask me how i find genting i say not bad but provided she is there by my side.......i started to feel emo ....not missing genting ...but is just that bao bei and me our time to be together are just so fast....wat i really miss our time together....even though this genting trip got alot of restriction i wun mind....more importantly is got bao bei by my side.....but yet the time still fly so fast.......somehow during bus trip back i kind of emo and sad.........even though she by my side yet i still miss her so much ...cause of NS.....trying my best keep looking at her face throughout the trip to see her as much as i wan.....but times really fly i enjoy her by my side hugging me smiling at me laughing her everything is really making me very very happy....but yet the time fly is really very fast....indeed very fast reach sg and my dad send me home.....and i found out its great to be back to sg too hahah.....im back.....

TO bao bei:
Although trip has ended le....i really enjoy it really very well...especially with u .....if u not by my side....i really cant enjoy that much .....i miss u .....and i wan to be with u 4ever.....=)...I LOVE U.....forever.......(^ .^)

To others...to myself

2008-08-27T09:26:00.000-07:00

To John Gray:Thanks for ur book who let me understand more of my bao bei and avoid alot of misunderstanding and conflict.
TO Bao bei:Sorry for the deleted blog that hurt u so much.....i really meant it by turning over a new leaf .....sorry that let u feel so hurt.
To Myself:Just wanna change for the better yet i step on a own bomb set by myself ...nice one TKY.....everything is really reflect on oneself ......i should have read even more towards the back of the chapter of the book to understand more my bao bei...and should not have type out that stupid blog.....Not sure izzit still too late of turning over the new leaf......just cant forgive myself....Things are never on my side even if its awhile or dayz.......blame who?Blame myself of course......all the teaching are really so true ....be selfish even if its abit ....retribution will fall so much on myself.....yup....and i got it.....so selfish to only think about myself and not others.....serve me right....
To Others:Everything is my own mistake.....blame on me everything as u all wan.....

5th month anniversary =)

2008-08-16T08:59:00.000-07:00

woosh 5th month anniversary wor =) happy sha la la la......Bao bei today treat me cheese cake wor....super high.....hahhaa......then today we walk to borders eat the cheese cake from coffee bean ....then walk around go mark and spencer...hahaha.....she still find shy for wat she written for me hehehe ....secret wor....only i know wat she write ....heheh ...of course she know too lol....oh heaven and earth too..haha...ok i know its cold just trying to be lame....hahaha ...then we go past hilton hotel where i tell her last time my dad bring me there to the top where that place can see alot of star in sg =)...hehe hope to bring her once to let her see the view of the sky.....den we go to forum to the place where she once work at and she told me alot of ppl bully her ....arghz curse those who bully her got no backside ....lol hahahha.....im so evil....so am i hahahaha......den after that we cross the road to far east plaza den my bao bei pei me go buy a gift for my god sis for her weddding ...=) ....congrat to my god sis .....and his finacee....me go his tattoo shop congrat her fiancee...and pass the gift to him to pass to my god sis =)....best wishes to both of them =)......den we all go slowly from far east plaza to centre point for a walk we go to see the place where she like the oni resturant then robert piano then i rbing her to kalm(spell something like that if im not wrrong)...den i bring her to gamaphone to listen to nice music ....AWWWWWWWWW piano spa 5 disc 2 the song miss u badly is OMG sooo nice lah....make me feel like learning piano....haiz....den we walk down ....erm orh orh....hehe....we walk into some shop....that me so PAISEH LAH.....nvm ...den after that from centre point we go to plaza sing....den go there eat eat then we go play piano haha bao bei play piano the position is so nice hahaha.....a very classix lady =)......den after that we went back to bao bei home do some puzzle ....but dunno wats go over me ...haiz.....but overall today is very happy lah i can make bao bei laugh 3 times where she almost cant control her laughter hahaha i should have video cam it aiya.... hahaha....to those who read my blog sorry last time i did not place in those happy thing cause i lack of happy words of vocab thats y i only put in all my emo thing........sorry to those who read but dun assume is true for wat u read cause things may happen far far time be4 le LOL......my english is just so bad haiz.....poor in vocab ...and grammer....- .- anything lah...my english is POOR hahaha.....BAO BEI HAPPY 5TH MONTH ANNIVERSARY

P.S.: I LOVE MY BAO BEI FOREVER (^ -^)

I cant control my tears

2008-08-11T20:01:00.000-07:00

Ytd at 1st was suppose to be a very good day never thought everything turn out very bad by some accident..........i was dealt heavy blow 4 times........a day .....all is so fatal..........i make my bao bei lose all the trust in me........and still even though i try consoling her telling her that i still love her as ever confirming her that my love is true even though she accept it but the word break up still keep coming in my mind ......when she go sleep ........i cant help again but to cry even now when im typing......i cried in my dream in my heart..........i let a very loved one lose trust in me ........she say she cant trust anyone anymore...........when i wake up still ytd scene was still so clear and i still cant help to breakdown.............how i wish everything is my fault...............but somehow at the same time i was worrying for her........her health....her thinking ......even though i accepted her apology but yet dunno y everthing turns out for the worst..........a simple love where i give and provide turns out to be distrust.........its all my fault ........how i wish i can admend ytd history .........hope she still can feel that i still love her as always......but still one thing i have to say about her..........ytd........she is so harsh .....and break me .........eventually......at the moment i really cant accept ......i hate reality ........i hate myself even more...............all my old wound act up double the pain and i cant be bother to heal it anymore le.............cause my heart pain even more.................sometimes is my existence in this world is it a wrongful choice or wat...........i fail to give my love all the security she wan i fail to prove her that i understand her .........somehow when i come to think about this my tears will just flow....this few day just count me suay bah .....i let her feel worst than single life........but still i pray hard for her happiness and health.......but dunno y the break up word still in my mind and i just cant control my tears to break down and cry....

Its so incomplete

2008-08-04T02:08:00.000-07:00

Ytd night be4 we parted.......i can only say i dun wan to leave........but still the fact i need to leave....she was tired too.....somehow when i last see her face be4 she close the door i keep trying to see and see her..........but the door still need to be shut...............dunno y i felt something is so lost inside me..........that night me on my way home dunno y i suddenly felt so hungry then go nearby kopitiam with my buddies have a drink or 2 .....get to know something ...from them....den today somehow when i wake up my house is the same only im the only one at home.....den after that go dance ddr with buddies they all dunno y ....i still felt so empty...........today without her by my side i can only say im really nothing ....im really a nothing.........when i walk the path when the wind blow its so nice but it will be perfect when she is by my side........i can only say i miss my bao bei .................no matter wat thing i did today i keep missing her like mad.............even when she reply me she wan to be alone im so scared did i do something wrong that make her angry i dunno.......today i got something something that is really very nice i feel like giving her now but still i gotta wait ....should i give it to her during 16 this month or should i give her immediately when we met the next time......i dunno.....today i can only say im very happy that i finally got something that really belong to her ,,,,,but at the same day somehow i felt as if i did something wrong that make her ignore me and letting herself wan to be alone ...........wanna hear her voice when she release wanna call her but she dun wan..........she just wanna be alone 4 awhile ............when i ask her will she be online she say no..........somehow i get depress .............wat did i do wrong.............my tears keep coming out somehow i cant control it .............even when i pray in my evening prayer my mind is thinking of her and almost wash my eyes when praying.........i go take a nap 1st bah ...........i really cant stop thinking about her............i can only say i miss her deeply madly and my life is really incomplete without my bao bei.......when i see the gift i brought her and the ring on hand i broke down..........i miss her...............

Painful

2008-07-29T04:26:00.000-07:00

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA................i wan to shout out loud today but i cant...something inside is bursting out i cant control it anymore ...............its so hurtful ............my heads hurts so much ..............so much that its driving me crazy ...........i almost flare up with my mum in front of my big auntduring dinner when my mama say that i not enough and i beg her for money...................IM BEING FRAME AGAIN........i hate this ......................i already feeling moody today after receiving the news that my bao bei need to overnight at raffles place mac to chiong finish here project ..........my bao bei ask me if im sad YES I AM.............thats my reply ...............i go have a good cold bath to cooldown but somehow .....i still cant cooldown eventually due to externally effect like my mum and myself.............after that short nap im not feeling well i feel like im going to have a fever..........i wanted to cry for my bao bei care.............but think again she need to be focus for her project and studies ..i better keep my mouth shut...........hahhaa alot of times im so disgusted by myself and get to know y alot of ppl hate me .........all those words that i once say before was so childish so not realistic so ......so giving hope to others where i din give myself a hope at all..........am i moody YES I AM am i SAD YES I AM..........am i CRAZY YES I AM............my head hurts so much now that how i wish i can eat a bomb explode everything out ....................and now my perssimistic thinking came backz ...........my mind is in a total mess .............and i believe if someone trigger something i will cry out loud............i wan to cry but i cant .............think sooner or later i will be back to the past where im asking for more and more pain..............my big aunt ask me did i get into UNI i say no application failed............dunno y all this words is like stated my failure .............dunno y alot of times i feel im such a useless guy and it never prove me wrong.....................im so weak physically .........im so weak mentally..................i let my bao bei worry me and let her feel bad alot of times i see her cry i cant help much .....wat can i do .....can i cry ......maybe in my heart ......................always trying to give my best to everyone around me yet i cant ...............im losing faith.............i have fallen..........and i sooner or later will ask for more and more pain .....................as for now im already feeling painful internallly by my mum and myself..........if i were to say ppl fall down at certain times i fall down right now at this moment............internally there are 3 choices for me let go of everything or Wait or dun do anything .............im feeling very empty now...........if i were to return back to nothingness will i no need to pick a choice...............maybe...........or even maybe i wun feel hurt or pain in my heart..............i wish my bao bei can be right by my side now comforting me ..............hahaha such a unreasonable thinking...............i think i miss her too much le..........................i can only pray hard that her project can finish in time and her preparation for exam will be ready cause her exam is near...........just hope that i wun be a burden to her at such critical timing............i will just endure this pain bah .....pain of missing her thoroughly in the heart ..................falling sick now............feeling very feverish temperature getting higher and higher..............very painful now

wat is normal me

2008-07-17T09:55:00.001-07:00

today dunno y alot of thinking flow into my mind i cant get off it the more i try to resist the more it flow in more and its driving me crazy and even affected all my feeling and eventually i felt nothingness........suddenly my temper rise and stop rise and stop uncontrollably till im really driving myself crazy i suddenly cant adjust myself to let my foot to walk slowly as i wan ................and finally a hope can in my bao reply me msg ......she asking me out for a walk ....and the thing is im totally unstable........in a very crazy mood.....i very scare i will hurt my bao bei.....................im so scared......thats y during the phone i sound so unwillingly..............and due to this i let her felt insecure..........i let my fear overtake me ............wat a bastard thing i have done again.........im super piss off with myself .............reason.....is because of my unstable mood ......i miss her so much i wanna msg her after she gone but i couldnt.......i let out an aura which totally frighten off all the ppl around and they all shun at me and which i give out icy cold look to them........i can only ssay i hate them..........i hate those ppl who give me that look..........but more importantly for the 1st time i lost my courage to say i miss her...........im dying inside to see her once more again yet i cant .....i dunno y.....i just so really miss her but the feeling of nothingness keep dragging me back ............i lost to myself today..........she indeed cheer me up .......but when she is gone "it" come back haunt me..........trying my best to feel this way le bao bei sorry i tried my best le ...........more importantly im very sorry letting u feel so insecure.......during msn when all the truth have been pour out my heart start to pain and my tears start to flow .........and i finally say i miss her ..........bao bei its not our feeling dan le .......its i love u too much and i dunno how to show out for today.......i cried throughout the night in my heart ..................its so painful cause of my stupid mistake and my dumbness result this ...........and today my bao bei and kw say the same thing be my normal self ...sorry to say today i really forget wat is my ownself......sorry ..............the more i think wat is the normal me the more im confuse u all ask me not to think but i just cant .....i wan to be normal too......but i forget wat is my normal self ................i need someone to help me get back my normal self...........im wanna cry out for help and when i look around all again im lonely ...............i can only start looking at bao bei blog and think of our happy memories to get hold of myself ..........bao bei this is to u :i dun lie especially to u is because i love u too much...cause for me if i start to lie it will make me not loyal to u(thats wat i think) ...but no matter wat i will be loving as how we met and the love will never change and i will never lie to u.....cause u are my dearest.........i love u bao bei....Esther Neo Wan Xin

At a Lost

2008-07-14T18:20:00.000-07:00

ytd night very happy that can pei my bao bei....but something is wrong when we on the way to her home im not sure how to use words to say but can only say something is amiss trying my best to cheer her up......however can felt she is not happy.....try to ask her wat is going on ............but she....she just dun wan to say ......suddenly find myself very lousy and useless cant figure out wat mistake have i done to make her so unhappy.......somehow......she cried....my heart so terrible......so terrible .....i tried to control my tears but still in the end it flow by itself......its soo painful to see her unhappy or sad and even she cried...although i cant cheer her up but at least i dun let her feel lonely ....she very caring and ask me to early to meet up with my buddy and go home early however i promise her something ...maybe she may forget but more importantly i did not forget.....hope my action warm up her heart ....letting her feel she is not alone..or even letting her feel emo........before i go i tried to see her as much as possible till she closed the door completely even when i walk downstair i keep looking up at her window to try to even see her as much as possible ......when meet up with buddies kang wei and zhi yong left sin yu i thought he watching tv will be coming down later but in the end he wan to sleep early and therefore do not wan to come down......suddenly then they tell me sin yu and apple break ....its like so sudden......wanna console sy but he not there he sleeping in his house ...think he not really sleeping but thinking bah......have a good chat with my buddies not bad lah the feel is still there.....that night when i reach back i msg her that i reach home she reply back i was shock dun tell me she got wait for me to reach home then sleep hor ......haiz disturb her sleep feel kind of bad.......hope she have enough sleep ......2day will be very tiring for her......and tonight will be meeting her again till her parents is back then i will leave.....hope to9 i can cheer her up ....for her happiness......bringing her smile back 4 sure .......4 sure.

What should i do?

2008-07-07T18:27:00.000-07:00

haiz wat should i do??????Not sure of bao bei izzit emo for ytd ???or???she sound like we may not last long which i duun like to hear.........have i given her too much stress?????or did i do anything upset her?????even though she say is about her....but how about me ??????? I care for her too ......Today wake up im in the half abit emo state le ......i dunno wat to say about me ........i cant be selfish .....i cant be angry .....i just want to be by her side .........everytime i remember wat she say in msn ytd night my heart will fall&Pain abit.....and my tears will slowly creeping out of my eyes........haiz singpore dunno y just lack of water can come take water from me le.........when working somehow i feel sian i wan to stone i wan to lax i wan to sleep.............work indeed sux thats wat i feel from work now le.....wat should i do wat should i do im feeling so dead but i cant tell my bao bei how dead am i i dun wan to let her worry ........i cant smile.....i cant laugh .....i shut myself totally inside out in the corner of my company....corner are good its cozy watever thing done at there no one will know except urself.....thats y for working i like to hide at corner.......i start to feel like running away from reality again ..........tired externally and internally the pain inflict by work is so damaging............and can only wait for the time where i can see my bao bei then the damage will start to heal .........suddenly see too much the monitor make my eyes even more like sleeping .........today dun feel like eating anything even though im hungry suddenly have no mood for everything and i found out y i am like cause is a raining day ..............................wanna run into the rain and sleep ..............

Dun mess with garlic/onion.....

2008-07-06T18:14:00.000-07:00

Gosh sat is a horrible day i have almost alot of customer who called in "angry Mode" or in "dunno Mode" spam me till me going crazy lucky got bao bei msg me to keep me off from getting into Angry Mode was very very happy to receive her msg =) ...........but still before that time i can go a Angry customer called in me REALLY BUAY TAHAN AND SHOW ATTITUDE TO THE CUSTOMER.......OH YES>.......i feel so song LOL..........haiz customer service line so hard to deal with especially contact centre..............hahaha that day when time reach 5 i immediately chiong out meet my bao bei OHHHH GOSH HER LIGHT MAKE UP WOOSH ..she look so sweet loh..........omg .......especially her lips ......hehe......BAO BEI U ARE REALLY VERY PRETTY WHEN U DO LIGHT MAKE UP.................XD...........and oh yeah i did a bad thing to her i bought a ring which really suits her alot without her paying xp BLEAHZ ........finally can buy something that she like and .......hehe....is a RING...yippee ..can finally buy her a ring which she need the most where she cant get for the past few dayz......so happy that i can buy for her something that she wants....yeah x)........but before that gosh we went cafe cartel bao bei help me put no onion no garlic and guess wat the mushroom pasta have onion and garlic which make me weird weird for that night ..........its not bao bei fault its them fault dun blame urself plzs........haiz .onion and garlic has such a bad effect on me which i dun wan to say that make me..............EEEEEK............and last for 2 day ..........for sat &sun..........haiz.....lucky sun around afternoon the whole effect is totally remove from my body le........sunday is also very happy its has been my longing that i can lie in the arm of my bao bei and she hug me and let me lie inside her arms ..........felt so warmth............so touched too......so touch that she can be by my side and me can be by her side ..........then after that more importantly she cook for me and WOW the egg she can cook better than me.....oh gosh need to ask my dad to teach me how to cook liao haiz.....my cooking skill lose to her sia....sob...sob....but she really cook very nice especially for the egg ...hehehe...........then after that the whole family go out to hougang mall to have dinner erm abit paiseh when her mama treat haiz wanna tell her i pay myself but dunno y my mouth like got super glue tio stuck just wont open haiz hope did not give bad impression to bao bei parents.....sob sob..... then we went up to the rootop she show me her gathering with friends the playground hahaha ...erm she told me something funny about the swing ...and i wanted to laugh out loud but cant lah got alot kid over there...hahahahahahah....after that she climb over near the rooft me so afraid of height then come down and try to hold her whenever she wanted to look out very scared she may fall off ...scare me out sia ......haiz.......after that we went to 1st lvl we buy alot of past candies and the popiah candies is so nice and i bought for my parents too but the mornign i found out they did not eat haiz....but after we went back me very shock of my action i combine alot puzzle and the puzzle is getting bigger and bigger le OH YEAH i can place a very nice puzzle at her room le and is super big and is super nice.......but still there is one thing i always dun like that is my time is up and i need to go le...haiz .....i always dun wan to go wanna pei her more and the feel is always there dun wan letting her go.......but still i have to go.........when im at downstair i look up again praying hard nothing bad will happen to her ........and inside the mrt ....somehow i was mesmerized by her laughter by her beauty she revived my memory of my past laughter.........and i never felt so happy before just seeing my bao bei laughing non stop .....my heart start to smile le...............and i kept decided to keep this memory here and in my heart .................and somehow i just cant stop myself of missing her......i miss her le........

i have a wrong thinking

2008-07-03T18:23:00.000-07:00

YTD feel so dead .......walking zombie...............already very dead le...........im totally crush by everything by myself......at the moment i want to hold on to something but i totally no strength le i have no strength to walk forward i lost my courage i lost myself............i agreed my gal able to cheer me up but after seeing her blog in the morning.......wat am i going to say about myself ........uselesss.......or bastard?i felt i have given her stress which i dun wan .......even myself i dunno wats wrong with me...........i dunno how to be angry only know angry myself.......and giving myself something call despair..........reason i start to dislike my thinking ........am i totally stress out by my surrounding :yes .......family buddies work ........im tired .......i can feel i start to curl up and start to isolate myself ........my bao bei is right this is the reality ..........and im the one bound to bear everything......even the tears i flow for missing her so much only myself know and indeed no one pity and i do not want anyone to pity me too.....i ask my self again have a really been happy before i seriously can say 2 times........one is with my Liu nanny house......second is whenever my bao bei is by my side caring and hugging me..............bao bei im apologised for my idiotness my selfishness and my stupid thinking of idea i have.............i just hope i can sleep inside ur arm......haha i can only laugh at my stupid greediness........which is impossible .........suddenly again i wanna curl up and keep sleeping and sleeping .....i can only rate myself as a jerk who let my gal worry for me so much till herself have negative thinking.........im ...such.....a .....jerk....................

start to listen to the wind

2008-07-02T05:14:00.000-07:00

Somehow this few week im super unlucky thats wat i can say to myself almost like all call bad caller like that...............and best part is my MP3 player the menu button spoilt the button like it sink inside gosh man i spoilt a MP3 of wat i like lucky still can listen .............somehow i remember wat my father told me once listen to wat is around is also way of nature unless necessary then listen to MP3 so somehow this few day go on life without my MP3 and i start to listen to wat is around me.....................i find it quite not bad afterall.................but more importantly i heard something inside my heart ................I MISS my bao bei...........ytd night join my buddy with them to watch a movie called never back down learn alot of thing and let me even wanna cherish my surrounding more alot ................especially my bao bei ............that night we walk home i msg her and she went to sleep cause she have to study the next day .............somehow before i sleep i pray hard nothing bad will come to her and i pray and i pray and suddenly i regain something back ..........dunno wat it is ...........but its good thats wat my feel told me ..............when i went back to my bed somehow i miss and cant stop thinking about her even though the next day we were going to meet for lunch ..............somehow i felt 2 falling star across my face ...............one from each eye ............it fall quite fast and after that slowly and slowly i felt asleep .................and today finally get back to work but definitely i have no mood for work i simply just use those easy attitude to treat my caller somehow .............cause all i wan is to see my bao bei ..........before meeting her all the collegue bring in all the food to contact centre and the smell make me totally no strength at all and i gotta endure till 2 AWWWWWWWWWWWWW very hungry and miss my bao bei .........and when 2 finally come i keep chiong down to find her and i never though im much more faster than the msg that i sent out ..........wahahahaha feel so proud in that can reach her side before my msg reach her.............had wonderful lunch at subway which my uncle work over there keep letting him treat me i kind of feel damn bad cause he treat me think going to be more than 10 times le sob sob yet i only treat him a dozen of chewy junior only............but more importantly i finally met my bao bei.............starting see her i was so happy i was so contented even though morning accidentally our train past each other at DOVER i saw her walk out MRT where my train reach dover i saw her back ..........wanna msg her but think quite slow therefore i called her and describe everything and had a little chat at least give me a bit of energy to carry on for my work in the morning ...................somehow during lunch with bao bei i felt much more better even though she let me worried that her stomach pain in the morning .........me actually wanna run to her give her any med i can find but kind of find myself so useless cant be by her side when she need me sob sob but at least during lunch saw her alright i felt so much better but when 3 is arriving i miss her so much just dun wan to let her go and wanna go with her which i cant...........find myself so useless sob sob..........haiz after that went back to work tio something i never encounter before again haiz..............can say big shit bah..........lucky bao bei write something on my hand and give me strength to carry on lucky cased solve until nice nice thanks bao bei u are the best =).............when im finally back home me sat down after eating and bathing and wait for my bao bei i went back listen to my music i like suddenly felt like long time no listen and when listen it totally calm me down..............but still at the same time it make me even miss my bao bei even even more..................finally i gain back myself ...............and i miss my bao bei and bao bei this is to u"Anata no koto wo kangaeteiru and anata ga inaku-te sabishi-kattayo. zutto kangaete itayo"

The wind stop......awhile

2008-06-26T18:43:00.000-07:00

Ytd i was so happy that i can finally meet my dear ...=)...the feeling was just so happy and my aaction is just wanna hug her tight tight....XD .....felt so happy when i hug her ...........so happy that we can accompany each other for that one whole day ^_^ .........we shop orchard go cinneleisure 1st then the hilreen where we saw chrislyn ............had a long chat understanding how she is at the moment .........seems not like wat she wan.........kind of feel sad for her hope that in the future she is able to meet someone nice and her life will be brighten up.................then after that we go to coffee bean chat chat ............chat out alot of thing .............and reveal everything to my bao bei .........................ooooo night time we go her park there sit sit eat eat and chat again...till...i...go...home...a.n..d...found out something............somehow i lost myself i cant totally feel "me" as me i suddenly forget wats my name i forget who am i i suddenly lost something inside me that make me just only know wat is dunno dunno i dunno that s all i feel fear and coldeness i feel ..................i dunno ..........its so strange as if someone or something pull something me inside out even till now when im working i just now even forget to put on lunch time and carry on working...............its totally not like me ......in the past i will purposely wait until timing just nice and lunch time immediately yet i continue take up call ........i ask my colleagues y nobody say 2 but there is yet im so near the person who say 2 but i did not hear it ................wat is happening to me??????????????i use msg to msg my bao bei to grab hold of myself even now myself i try to use the feeling is not as powerful as in the past izzit my power of feeling is lost?or am i growing without my notice or i fallen without myself noticing ...................can only felt i am like a zombie freak or machine that ppl ask me do wat i do wat ...................and suddenly i start to dislike human just like my past ..............fighting with another me now ........................i felt something inside me is awaken abit but wat is the thing awake i can only feel fear for that awakening lucky is awaken by abit ..................or have i slowly start to lose my............... humanity?Dun think so just that some bad thing is brewing inside me .........wat izzit .......i wanna know.........or wat is the thing that make me feel lost ................i dunno........i dunno........that night the wind stop blowing when im asleep.....................

swing sway sway

2008-06-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

BOOMMMMM................this time round i bombard my ownself le sob sob trying my best to handle everything in life but just that life is not easy especially for working life........T.T.........
Falling very very very verrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii..................fast .........falling and falling.............trying my best not to be press down totally by the society........
i miss my bao bei sob sob i miss her so much ..............if its not for her i believe im totally crush now and brought out another me .................the society is just so cruel...............i miss my studying life .........i miss my serenity life ........peace in my heart calm in my soul ...............now is like i throw myself into a fire pitt where i cant get out ...................super painful .................only left with one hope that i can hold on to carry on walking..............ytd really down totally demoralised and almost lost in myself and scare of going back to nothingnesss suddenly ytd "time" come back my body and scare me ...........its just grab my heart and mind and make me lost in myself almost lost in my self totally sob sob lucky still got last piece of shard in my heart shining for me..........the last time i felt "Time" was in my poly year 1 but never thought now i would felt it back its so scary ytd time came back and tune the time forward and scare me .............lucky ytd bao bei got pei me in msn in the night that make me forget about it............my bao bei still the strongest able to make me feel so much better ./......there are times my bao bei is right i see too far ahead and got to start look wats in front of me .........but somehow i felt even though i seal up my ability and reset my ability back to zero and retrain myself in order to suits the working environment i lose even more and more ..............somehow my ability should say is a double edge sword or is a weapon there are soemtimes im force to take it up but there are alot of time im so afraid of taking up the sword somehow...................if i take up the sword i can say myself someone powerful over power ........but it will fill up and increase my sadness...........i finally found y im so pessimistic le ...............the only solution that i can calm my another me is through sad song LOL through sad song then they will be able to stop their movement and start to calm down .....................but i promise someone i wun be pessimistic and emo so wun do it so easily de..............i miss my bao bei...............i endure le endure 2 day no see her...............pengz............if the rain were to come again i think all my feeling for missing her will pour out totally too then i hope i can stand inside the rain cause like that no one will know thats my tear le ......................I MISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR T.T trying my best to control le just cant help feeling that T.T

horoscope..........

2008-06-08T00:33:00.000-07:00

CAPRICORN MAN

A man in this Zodiac will has a pair of round big beautiful eyes, a nicestructure jaw line. He is a good listener and can understand everythingeasily and clearly. He can guess what you will say before you even say it.He often shakes his head or touch his hair. He is a big built, but he willtend to have a small ear. He tends to have a darker shade of hair and eyes'color. He will likely have a short and strong neck, broad shoulder,muscular, strong hands and grips. He has a shorter fingers compare to theman of the same size and same height in the other zodiac. His hands can workwell at the same time can protect and care for his woman.His height will be proportional to his weight. He willwalk firmly andalways take a big long step. As he walks he will look around in caution withno disturbance from his problems at present or in the past. He likes towatch things built with fascinate and wonder about how it is done, so youcould see him watching a construction site and not get bored.He is a good dancer. He is a careful person in instinct, so even at dancefloor, he will already have to know what in front or behind him before hewill take any steps.Green is his favorite color. You will mostly see him wear green, navy, blue,or brown. In all 12 Zodiacs, he is the one who can get the most satisfactionfrom possession of beautiful thing, and cherish it as if it is very valuableto him even it is just a crystal ball made in France.It is his luck that he hardly has to chase after woman. They always comethemselveswithout his invitation. He likes to treat his guest in his housethan visiting his guest at their house. He does not like to be a center ofattention, so if you need his help, you have to look up for him. He liveshis life in stability and simplicity. Every decision made are already 'Sure'and carefully thought out. He will not do what he has been asked to do if heis not interested in doing it. He acts casually but in reality, he alwaysdoing things seriously.He loves peaceful and quiet environment so in his free time, he will stay athome instead of going out and look for adventure. He loves nature and dreamsof a nice and quiet house with lots of trees, or he may dream of a house ina beautiful countryside.He will let you have freedoms and watching you in a distance. If you areover doing something, he will let you know by hisicy cold look. He is theperfect lover in all the Zodiac for nothing he will not do for his love one.He won't allow people to laugh at him or think he is a joker, so he willspent for himself luxury for what it is worth.He likes neat and well dressed woman, so do not be a slop if you are datingthis guy. If you do that he will loose his face. He is the romantic type whowould dance with you under the moon light.Love will make him shines and you will see it in his face. He will not sayit out loud, you have to know it yourself.

TAURUS WOMAN

A slim moderately tall woman. Taurus woman is funny and a jolly person.Square facial bone structure, high cheek bone. Her round big eyes sparklewith wit and curiosity. You will not see many round faces Taurus women, andmainly she will have a strong jaw line.She is a constantly change person. If she up sets, she will not show it andwill keep it to herself for a long time, and will remember them so well. Ifshe gets really mad at you, you will suddenly become a totally andcompletely stranger to her.She is a patient person, but always need new excitement. She hates long talkmeeting, long and endless conversation. She can be in love with you today,and one day she could act as if she has never loved you before. She haspatient with what she wants to do and will never give up until she getsthere. She will be very persistent in what she is doing till she has reasonsfor stopping her project, then she will quit.Money for Taurus woman is not the most important factor in life. She thinksof money as an instrument for assuring of a good living. She has moresatisfaction in achieving her goals more than satisfaction in fine clothsand luxuries. If you like a woman who always thinks of love and romance,then you are dating the wrong girl. You can not tell her to stay at home,she likes to work and preferred not work at home.She loves animals and likes to surround by animals. Loveis in her head, butFreedom is in her soul. She has her own idea about love and afraid to showher true feeling for fear of rejection. She is not the type to talk aboutlove, but she sure has a strange way to show it. She is not good in showingwhen she is in love, but if she loves you she will be honest to you than anyother women.She will be honest to her love one, but at the same time seems distant. Youwill have a good relationship with her, if you allow her freedom. Do notforce her to be with you in a poker game which she hates, but let she goesout swinging with her friends if she wants to. She will be different thanother girls, and she thinks different is one of her unique quality. She is apublic figure but belongs to no one.She will not stay with you, if shethinks you are not sincere. She likes you to have personality, butbetternot to compete with her. Loves her, but not too much for she afraid it willlimiting her freedom.She always stand out of the crowd for something she dares to do. You couldsee her dress like a poor farmer dinning in the fancy restaurant, or dresslike a nun in an a cocktail dress party. If you are a politician who arelooking for a wife, she will make a good one because she is cleverly smartand she could get along socially with any type of crowds.She is not a jealous type because she has to know you thoroughly beforeaccepting you in her life. She has more curiosity in life than wondering ifright now you are flirting with someone else. If you keep a distant fromher, or go away for a few days, she will miss you more. Even when she isdating you, she also able to fond of someone else, if you do not havesomething she islooking for. She will never disappoint you or hide behindyour back to make you loose face, but she is the type who just going to tellyou to your face that ' We're better off breaking up'.She always remember her first love. Taurus woman holds the best record fordivorce for she does not care about how people think of her, but everythings should be done for 'Happiness'.She has lots of friends and sure of herself, so you will hardly see shedelays any of her thoughts before her action. If she think of something, shewill go ahead and does it. She has many men wanting her for her constantchanges is the challenge. She can be cute and funny, but suddenly cool andtough. She has her own style of dressing up, so you could see her dress likean old mate today, and tomorrow she may dress like she comes from Mars. Shewill have thatinteresting hair, dress and a look unique from anyone else.She likes to learn about your dreams and your thought. She has fun teasingyou and making jokes. If she did something wrong, she won't hide it fromyou, but do not ask when she is not in the mood to talk about it. She hatesto owe people money and take promise seriously. If you promise to pay herback, you'd better paid up.If you want to make it with Taurus woman, then do not be jealous orpossessive, do not be narrow minded, do not criticize about nonsense orsmall and insignificant matters. Try to likes her friends and let she hasher privacy, then she can be very sweet to you.

That is she and me

piss........

2008-06-08T00:11:00.000-07:00

Back again to same place here with sadness and angriness .............it was suppose to be a brand new day with everything good and was sunday however everything crumble down .......trying so hard to convince my gal that will help her in her life and really speak out my real feeling again and guess wat i receive a reply that look so loosely that as if my help was worthless yes even after that u msg me u appreciate ...........i treat her everything so seriously yet she say until like that ............am i suppose to be angry or wat i love her at the same time yet she totally piss me off at the same time ............the air con in my office is just so cold and as always i hide myself at one corner alone.........damn just freeze me to death can le .............i always say i wan cooldown but this time round i was hurt .........izzit my pride answer is no ................izzit me yes it is and i admit it myself ...........i gave her everything but now i found myself hanging nowhere she was suppose to the only line i can hold on but if she is gone den maybe its time for "me" to come out once more let blood flow let the eyes be awaken unlock the ability hidden in the brain to wake up if it happen i will be lost forever .............forever......

autumn wind?

2008-05-28T23:13:00.000-07:00

this few day dunno y my physical heart pain alot .....not sure wats going on......if all the pain accumulate i think my heart really cannot tahan for sure.....................really can feel my dayz are numbered just 2 more goal to accomplish .....hope to accomplish my parents dream of getting to university another to let my bao bei be happy and unhurt ...hope additional that i can be with her by her side.......................all my life i have been sleeping and doing nothing just like a useless guy hahaha now having 2 goal to acheive yet i keep feeling death near me

Man im just a dirt and a jerk sometimes the world is so far more better without me ytd night i hurt my love one just because i cant control myself my life having been helping others the best i can yet i cant help myself and my love one its just so unfair ....................i agree im not smart im dumb or sort of idiot but really there are times a wish to have a deal a simple deal take my soul my body and let my bao bei gain her happiness and unhurt and dun let her to hate herself im not those dramatic ppl shown in the tv or wat cause i dun see it been sleeping for my life ...................im just willing to give everything to her but yet she would not like wan to take ............im really not sure the position of me in her heart but i only know in my life she is ever the most i worried for and loved for and i ever feel that i live for ..............she told me dun treat love as everything........but sadly im just someone who chooses small happiness in life and peace in my soul which i wan to share with her .....this few day it has been raining and the rain brought me back to the past of the feeling of feeling the rain fuse with them.................there are sometimes im able to fuse with the nature as i wan but just this body keep stopping me and my wish of accomplishing my goal .....................this 2 goal have been crypted deepp inside my heart so deep that my soul feel it thoroughly ..................for now even if my body is not in this world i hope my soul will protect my bao bei .....................i pray for her safety and happiness everyday with my heart hope that this can come true ..............................love is a selfless giving i finally understand that ..............may the autumn wind blow for me before winter wind comes ............

Living Dead

2008-05-21T05:25:00.001-07:00

Today dunno y i felt the feeling from bao bei its was just so ...........frustated can feel from her .........trying my best to make her happy by smsing her but then feel that im push away for the reason that i told her wat my father told me .................suddenly felt she really need me yet i cant be by her side but in the actual fact i need her too and i cant deny .......my heart is really crying inside out really crying le but i wun cry outside due to work ..........i cry not because im hurt is just that..................i really miss her ......i really miss her ...............although she say she suddenly unreasonable but at least she really show care ........i was so touched at the moment and felt contented..............at least till evening every sms went smoothly and i really felt so better that she msg me ...........iif she were not to msg me i really feel like dying ...........really feel like pressing hard into my arteries so that my heart blow even though i press it a few day be4 and i almost make my left hand gone but heart still will pain ...........and today the recurring effect came back again and i msg her and hope she care for me but somehow kind of did not get the msg i wan back...................

Then finally after work i call my buddies and seems like the timing cannot suits mine and my mum did not cook cause going out with dad and here i am back to this lonely house listening to super sad music .....................there are times when i go think im such a filth in this world im just like a torn and tattered shirt lying on the floor and just happen that esther were to pick up and wear it and i promise myself who ever were to pick me up i will give u the warm and happiness that i can give ...........however there are times is like i really love her alot and really wanting to protect her yet there are times i hurt her so much that i really hate myself to the core ..............and guess wat tonight i really miss her so much that now im crying inside out ............there are really sometimes i wish she can scold me or beat me or bit me something that ease my heart cause i really dunno how to make her happy but i just wanna give her happiness .............now its just so lonely in my house and outside raining so does my heart is raining now y does it always have to be lonely by my side i really wish she is by my side now ..........damn me damn me y am i so weak sometimes i really hate myself ..............why cant i give her wat she want and letting her ask me wat i want from her..............why am i so weak...........maybe i think too much or wat but suddenly have a selfish thinking hoping that if later i were to sleep i wish not to wake up forever ................just like how my grandad pass away sleep to death .....................i really dunno ...........reallly dunno im just so lost when she is not by my side ..............i really felt there is something tear it out from me that she is not by my side .............there are times i hope she can be selfish so that i can be by her side ...........my heart is really pain now not due to the injured it is crying out loud saying i miss u bao bei i really miss u ..............everytime i have to act strong when saying bb or nitez to her but in the end its me who is just so fragile who really cant stand the loneliness ............i just cant control my tears it just flowing .................suddenly and again im thinking back the wrong side ....my presence in this world really worth nothing at all and i just hope that i can be forgotton and die in darkness even where my body cant be found or something like that.......................its too painful for me that i hurt my bao bei and unable to accompany her by her side when she feel lonely ............i just feel that im so useless that i cant even make her happy ............im already such a useless guy ...............without her my life is really as good as a living dead who dunno wat he wans wat he need ..............she is just so attach to my soul and my heart that if there is no her i will be a man with no soul and no heart at all ...............laughter is the best medicine which i always told myself but 2day the more i laugh the more i wan to cry at myself at my stupidness .................im really just a sha dan who just need love and care and 2night this sha dan will curl into his bed and cry throughout the night and pray hard for esther his dearest bao bei safely and happiness ........nitez .....

Glass heart

2008-05-03T16:25:00.000-07:00

saturday 3rd march early in the morning i was with my dear seeing the star and the moon and suddenly her asthma work up....i was so afraid...i try to call to someone but she hold my hand and dun allow me to call....i was scared and frightened ...then we rest for awhile and i tried to carry her back to clubhouse however she felt more pain.....den we slowly walk back to clubhouse....luckily we met shulan and panying and get the medicine just in time...........i felt so helpless and useless............im such a useless guy.............

After all the trial camp activity she buy a red bull and shared with me den i dunno somehow my mind when abit crazy and start to show all my bad attitude as if im drunk shit me sia.........at the same time i falling sick soon during the meal with her ..........how i wish i can send her home till the end of the day cause i start to panick..........i felt so lost due to my work schedule when can i even meet her up is making me even more lost............i really dun feel like going offf but my heart hurt and the heat pain me alot in my body i need medicine.....at the MRT i saw the train leaving and she was on the other side.......i really cant bear to leave..............i really cant bear to leave....and her action is like not caring about me.........i was hurt i try to hold her hand but she reject me.......

When i reach home i just told my father about my situation so he gave me coconut to drink to clear off the heat in my body then i hurry go back to bed and sleep...........the reason y i hurry go to my bed to sleep is not because im tired..........is because i wanna to cry.............at the second msg i send her saying that im so useless i cry so hard and really like to kill someone and that person is none other than me..............that night i cried to sleep and wake up interval to drink water to clear off my heat i keep seeing my hp did my bao bei reply........and she did not reply and im so sad again .... again and again the cycle repeat itself ......a fragile heart hidden under a cheerful laughter ..............when i finally work up in the morning to prepare for work the 1st thing i still see my hp for hope...........but........hope is never there for me........and there again using this blog to show all my sadness ............wanna tell her but dun wan to affect her studies..........i cant help but cry and type tis blog at the same time..........cause im really hurt...........and im totally lost how i wish i can tell her and she will be able to comfort me but however my hope was always never there for me............wat can i do other than letting my tears flow ................reminding of my old sentence............when tears are dried up wat will flow next........blood.........fresh blood will never end its flow till death has arrived............

Angry 27th april 2008

2008-04-27T16:29:00.000-07:00

im so happy that i can celebrate my bao bei birthday with her on 26th april 2008 and saw her smile of the day is just so mesmerizing....................however good thing always dun last .....................on the 27 th april i was shock and angry and is sooooooooooooo angry with myself............

I actually cant stop my love from bitting herself and yet she dun wan me to be sad and angry .............come on wat is this .........i realy care for her so much and even allow her to bite on me yet she dun wan and wanna only hurt herself saying that the pain from outside will ease the pain inside...........she totally pain my heart and because she felt that nothing feeling.............why...........i swear to myself that i never ever allow anyone beside me to have that feeling and yet i cant do it ...................and it happen to my love one ................damn me DAMN ME

when going home i did not reply one of msg cause im thinking how to help her yet she msg me and threaten me to bite herself and want me not to feel sad and angry.....................i have no choice but to promise her
............i really had no choice to promise and try to act brave in the msg .......reason:I LOVE HER TOO MUCH TO HURT HER..............................................................im such a useless weakling even i try so hard to make everything the best to her and to everyone beside me ................NOTHING seems like u and i are fated and i may even drag someone close to me feel that .............come on pick on me dun pick on her............leave her alone...............i once reach the final stage of nothingness and ..................just dun wanna say................too heart tearing...........a promise is a promise bao bei if u were able to remember and see my blog ....im saying this I LOVE U

Mistake and carelessness

2008-04-21T17:07:00.001-07:00

21st of april i done such a terrible mistake that tear out my heart............i feel like crying all out and this time is tears of sadness cause my heartache...........

the moment i accidentally scare off her and the way she abit ignore me it make me ............think back of the past ...................i was almost going to 4get about everything but everything flash back and it was me who scare of my dear that make her this action.................i hate myself............i wanted to cry on the way home but i just cant cry .........................

The scar is acting back the pain drewing deeper into my heart .....tearing out everything...........she once give me a "hermit crab" and i felt like going back to the shell instead of coming out .............................late night i went back to darkness in search for my soul but never thought ......................i left half only ...................i felt so sick and tired but i remember wat i promis to myself never fall never stop till my time end...........................

Finally know what is call love..............so sweet ................so sad............so painful.........im so willing to give her my everything till im nothing ...................and now indeed im really nothing .....just like the past .................who lead a nothing life ............so ultimately there is noone i can trust in this world no one i can really lay my tired heart on ......................its just so lonely .....so painful

happy and sad

2008-03-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

16/03/2008 god give me something that i wish for...........at 1st i dun feel anything but somehow i know im changing ........im aligning ..........the feel is so different

17/03/2008 can see her again im so happy but i cant send her home cause i got something important thing i need to do ......studying for the job test cant send her home feeling down man

18/03/2008 suddenly got the urge to see her keep fliping my notes and at the same time looking around to see have she arrive..........suddenly wanna see her ............when i see her my heart feel happy......then i hug her when we are in MRT and im hugging her from the back ......kind of feeling nice.....heex......1st time hugging a gal that i like.........then we go to a place where the star and wind are.......and a white cloud that streak across the sky abit like milky way so beautiful.........she lie on my body and im hugging her and my mind just stop thinking of anything.............just like a CPU in sleep mode .........the feeling of pure and innocent ...getting back to where i need to go

19/03/2008 Test scored 81.5 94 for 2 test in NETS

20/03/2008 lost focus get 75 out of 100 almost fail 70 is passing for all test start losing focus and start thinking about her

21/03/2008 suddenly addicted to hugging her le omg now is i wish she is by my side...but not sure will she wan me by her side or not...........

22/03/2008 she go on holiday need to wait for 5 dayz no worry i got something important i need to do my test on monday ............a challenge by the manageer that no one can pass all test at one straight goal and i will do that ........for myself and for her

- .-

2008-03-09T07:02:00.000-07:00

Today see my great grandmother lying in hospital kinda of sad ......after seeing her in pain..........so painful hope that i can share her burden ..................again i just feel so helpless again............dun like this feeling just dun like................

when i reach home as usual doing my chores and looking at my pal blog..............i saw something ........It goes like this , "my heart is closed.or maybe,even locked.i felt betrayed sometimes,or even being used,being treated like a toy.i m so exhausted.pls,dun say u understand this feeling or noe hw i m feeling.it is rubbish.u r nt me,so u'll nv noe.i realli wish to lock myself in a room,blasted the music n lie in my bed foreva.i dun wan to get out..i dun wan to get out n get hurt by the reality in the world.

m tired.i hated all these.no one ever love or understand me.perhaps i m weird,but this world is weirder.

laugh for all u wan for i m dead.i m dead inside out so u r juz laughing at someone hu's dead."

Now then i know im just so naive ............i neglected her feeling ...........i give her an offline msg apologising ............and i somehow kind of feeling low ............everything change again..................im tired going back to sleep...............nothing will revert as it is ..........it will only just continue.........continue till no time............im still as lonely as ever and i never get wat i wan ever in my life.........heh.................i will continue the test as promise .........and i will never head back ............never............................~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Terminated

2008-03-08T05:57:00.000-08:00

Process complete .....i finally can set my target on the right track with no obstacles.....no more childish sort of relationship ......Free from feeling.....free...........

Towards the target objective ........no pain no gain ............only learn from the harsh way ..........in order to survive..........in order to gain more knowledge.......

Calculator set ..........love will not be in the pavement till target object reach............only forward with pain then will grow if not i will be a real loser to myself..........i.... wanna......reach.......far ....out.......ahead..........till where THE TRUTH is ..........be a real man ...........be your trueself .............although my heart is crying ........but i will not cry........till my time end

Level Down

2008-03-06T06:54:00.000-08:00

Mentally shutting down ......heart and soul remaining in hibernation state..........process completing soon reaching percentage of 60% of conscious.............finding some distraction hoping for to ease to loneliness.........its not painful.......its not painful at all not painful..........not at all..........flu coughing crawling up the body............

hahaha its been years le.............abit more pain also will not hurt too much........just tired.....wanna fufil my destiny and go back to where i belong................i just wanna remain annonymous forever need to get back the feel of annonymous............even if i die .........i just also wanna wish i would die whereby there is no one know im dead..........or even know where my body is.......

61% shutting in process
62% shutting in process
63% shutting in process

Percentage rising on schedule continue to rise .....closing 70% of feeling .........till someone unlock for me .............for i will remain in deep sleep ................sleeping dragon tail...........

Mistake

2008-03-04T23:54:00.000-08:00

Mistake Mistake.....grave mistake .........to SL and EN sorry man cant say to u all personally but sorry man its all misundertanding hope nothing will goes wrong hope so plzs plzs....

Maybe moving on is still the best way sia....

Same Side of the Moon

2008-02-29T06:35:00.000-08:00

I'm looking out the window
Where we sat to watch the stars
There's a chill within the air
It makes my heart long for your touch
You may be miles away
But as I kneel to pray

I see the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all my tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon.

I picture you across the oceans
In your corner of the world
I pray the wind will blow my voice
And gently whisper in your ear
Your night may be my day
And though the seasons change

It's still the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all my tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Great song from corrinne may so touching

The Leap Years

2008-02-29T06:16:00.001-08:00

After seeing the leap years and reading the novel i may found out y it may attract me so much that i just wanna contiune watching or reading.........its the past feeling that i own before ....the pain of waiting for love to answer .............the despair ......alot of of philosopher saying...but still i it goes on.............although it end happily ever after...........i kinda envious why cant i deserve the same thing................seeing other couple happily kissing each other or hugging each other.....in the street is indeed making myself lonely.....tears almost flow but control have been done so i still have kept my promise.......except for that day .....where my godparents mother pass away.....seeing them sad make me heart so ache.....i still can remember how the tear flow so uncontrollably ....i still remember how helpless i am even i try to help them ......it just pain me so much.......haha im so random.....just wanna make sure the future of mine remember i still have tear..............there is no way back .....no more......till end of my time.......

Start bloggin this few dayz cause i suddenly wanna read more.....wanna have more knowledge......and hope those reading can help me ease the loneliness in the heart....can help me distract watever that it can distract ........

Calculator ......calculate

Catalyst having some reaction??

2008-02-28T09:31:00.000-08:00

When someone tell me that she may leave away for good ......i move......i jerk.........making my feeling unstable......that should not be the case.......im not avoiding anything.....im not........a new catalyst may move in........new phase of reaction .....required new phase of calculation........a few more dayz......give me a few more dayz to adjust back where the molecules should be......

Not sure what may happen next le......due to my unstable reaction ......again.......

Its over

2008-02-27T20:09:00.000-08:00

Singapore Polytechnic 2007/2008 S2 Examination Results

Student ID: 0527709

Module Code - Credit Unit - Grade
---------------------------------
ET0102 - 5 - A
ET100Z - 8 - DIST
BA9017 - 2 - B
ET0130 - 5 - B+
ET0097 - 5 - B+

SEMESTER GPA: 3.72
CUMULATIVE GPA: 3.528

DIPLOMA AWARDED

Finally its over le .....Target reach with abit of disappointing result of 2 core module getting B+....abit piss seeing my teamate not getting A for their FYP result ...so unfair .......recently having so many thing happen everything still within calculation and prediction nothing goes out of path ........only physical going to sleep mode but awakening soul ability....the sharpness of my calculation has increased ....after some unstable catalyst happen ....now having it settle down..i know how to carry on le....

Now im more like .......solidify and saturated sugar point......still aiming for the impossible yet the possible.........having and wishing is past le ....now use my own feet my own hands to move on.....T.T sob sob cant get a part time job due to enlistment of National service.......

Im not right nor wrong ....im not black nor white.....just an oberserver of time ........"its not my time" ...finally understand little happiness is some wilful desire ....或许孤单和寂寞比较适合我。。。不需要人的声音钢琴声就够了.............Merry christmas Mr lawrence....a very good piece of music that can reach out my heart.....just follow the heart and soul

finally back....but will be MIA soon

2007-09-11T16:42:00.000-07:00

ooooo finally got time to try blogging again sian today got my exam result le very nice no C but also not much of A dulan sia..........arghzzzzz

Module Code - Credit Unit - Grade ---------------------------------
IS1006 - 4 - B+
ET0096 - 5 - A
LC0314 - 2 - B
ET005S - 2 - B
ET0100 - 5 - B+
ET0153 - 5 - B+

SEMESTER GPA: 3.526
CUMULATIVE GPA: 3.487

Tis is shit man thought as long as my cumulative GPA score more than 3.5 i can get into University and now there goes my hope.....well not really hahahahahha still got one more semster .....is either i fly in my last semster or i die in my last semster ....pui

Hope today wun be disappointed in alot of thing club thingy and everything....cos this few day is already damn suay until cannot suay ...but not stepping on dog shit or gettting flying bomb from the sky lah....but just down my luck ....T.T

2007-05-21T08:41:00.000-07:00

During the night walk few dayz b4 i felt darkness was so eerie but yet its so beautiful......but thanks to someone who walk with me by my side allow to feel the beauty of the darkness too...darkness.....isn't so bad when someone are by ur side .........but thats the 1st time i wanna to have a feel of wat happiness is ....not from lonely.....from friends...

haiz after the night walk i start to change back to the past ....the past that i would actually feel that the world is beautiful...its good...but thats also the time when no one is by my side .......i feel like nothing....just like my past ......really have no one that i can rest on....after that i really wanna just lie my head on someone that i yearn but still i dunno whether i will have that chance or not ........sound so saddist ...mayb thats wat i am bah .....

dunno y when i start to chiong my studies my morale was so low...and keep thinging of something.....just cant shake it off my mind ;p. wanna chiong more dun wan to lose out to "jialat"
but sometimes i really hope that i can have someone in my heart to push forward even more to the top ......

Dunno y i finally feel that alot of thing are real yet so fake ...sound offending.....but ya quite through after i done abit of soul searching.....the level of understanding to this "red dust world" is getting to quite a confusing state .....just like a test.....a test to pull me down./......but even if im pull i will climb double...triple...more harder to complete my parents wish. By getting a degree cert from a local University.....

ARGHHHHHHHH...after listening to BYUL by Kim Ah Joong i really feel so sad and clear......and make me wanna to have the real half of minne to be by my side......it is a song that will really find urself back really and a very nice song.......

2007-05-16T07:41:00.000-07:00

WHYYYY whyyy force me REVIVE MY HATRED YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY................arghzzzzz....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Heart tearing now hatred hold power .....True Love hold power...........how i wish i can have the 2nd choice that someone suggest to me ...BUT I CANT......and the situation is more like the 1st choice....and now im drawn to the evil side.....hehhehehehahahahaha

Years of cultivation burnt out by anger ...hatred......WHY....why....why....i only ask for peace in my mind why must others force me to go this path WHY and just nice is my working area person evoke my evilness.....the devil alway love to repay their debt for awaking them ......and u shall receive that so called " Kindness" from the very very depth of hell ...ashes to ashes ..

An advice for myself retribution shall comes along for all the dark deal....but im willing scarifice for the others .......Wish that none shall take this path ....even if taken this path find mean and way to get back plzs plzs...its simply tearing ur heart urself...its superpainful but also joyful

Today actually im trying to think someone that will let me remember the most but that so called someone din appear in my mind.................im so sad .....feel like crying but i promised myself never never never shall i let my tear of sadness to appear in this world....unless there is someone that is able to mend my shatter broken heart only has the right to let my tear to roll

2007-04-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

GEESZZHHH thought i would full blast on today lecture ....i fallen asleep wat the freak..

This few day tired easily how come darn darn darn.....shouldnt go on this way.....must not slack anymore pia my studies....heard my satellite module abit tough cannot relax anymore....

haiz ....last week com spoil ....then now this few day so sleepy for no reason.... and tio injure while carrying piano.......cant tahan anymore must carry on studies carry on to be the strongest...cant lose out....CANT LOSE OUT

.....some question feel like asking the god ......izzit there isnt love that shall cross my path?...if there isnt i shall accept my fate........no more love for me ..........only heartless .....only everything ......only nothing......STRONGEST

2007-04-05T06:24:00.001-07:00

Finally one more week till the end of ITP ................super tiring really nid abit of rest really..tired both physical and mentally....

Storing energy for start of school and ready to study even more.....

Seems like no chance at all evrything truly not fated....really not fated ....no chance ....no hope...no time.........................$#%&%$$#&$%

Haiz ...as year pass by .......i saw my life its simply so short then the others.......everything had it in its time ......then where is mine?

May really give up even the last piece of hope in the deepest realm of my shattered heart just on the verge..................

Scare may change to the worst ever in the future ...Scare turn into a monster wearing a human skin .......Scare to lost......wait i have nothing lost .............i have nothing from the start .....nothing......NOTHING..................

The world is harsh thats y ppl is force to be harsh on the other ....when retribution come they always fail to see y it happen...and it seems the world left one very harsh seat for me to seat on ..........

Rage ...Hatred.....feeling ......all are fake ...........FAKE

To be the strongest TO stand out than the other even it has to be lonely...............

My urge to become strong still not strong enough...using rage...hatred ....as a catalyst....nid more catalyst to grow even more strong.........even much more than strong

2007-04-05T06:24:00.000-07:00

2007-03-31T21:51:00.000-07:00

To Love Someone is wrong to even think of her is even more wrong and im so wrong
.
I was not fated to fall in love and even not to feel abit......should forget everything

Instead pain is the one that make me feel .........

Freedom......wind.....rain.....saint......forgotton....and be forgotton

Continue to walk ahead ....AHEAD EVEN MORE AHEAD .......

Pushing myself to my limit or even over my limit to feel....feel everything..... feel the wind...feel the rain......

Evilness grow inside me

Starting to grow big and even bigger till im almost eaten up

2007-03-29T20:07:00.000-07:00

Goosh really cant think that i started to think of someone ......man wat the heck happening to me

ARGHHHZZZ gotta control myself ...control control.....still cant control man....

keep going to her friendster to watch her photo -0- her smile issss ssssoooo sweet and her sad face break my heart oooooooooooooooooooooo

To follow the wind or to follow the rain arghxxxxzzzz cant decide.....................

To choose happiness or to choose future???{i wan both but .........really still wan both}

Thought got a chance to reedem my regret le but then cant see her online cant even chat with her

Choice 1: if she is really happy for now wat she has, i had to let go.
Choice 2:Fall deeper?
Choice 3:Be friend be strong and achieve my goal {means i gotta throw all my feeling away
again and become a ........}

Such a difficult choice BUAY TAHAN ARHHHHHHHH

Pray hard time can help me make my choice plzs plzs plzs show me some miracles for me........... i dun wan the feeling that i own it once b4 its so painful

2007-03-27T22:13:00.000-07:00

OOOSsshhh finally created a blog for myself ......a good offday where i do nothing sian sian sian

Something just cant shake off my mind making myself chaotic instead of calm

Finally i have been given a chance to reedem my regret but......not sure whether can i really reedem my regret

Lost in my way. Lose in my heart......Luckily still have a soul haha not totally lost yet

So ...........haiz back to sleep land will be good for me

ITP : Ending soon WAHAHAHAHa

AIM: Any University as long as i get a degree

Goal: Dunno leh...arhh got one just wanna be a good man in my life doing good deed
Maybe a bit of mischieve stuff would add on spice into my life wahahaha

Raining Wind Code: Rain like Wind ;
Blew like Nothing.
Calm as Water;
Strong as Wind.