Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Painful
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA................i wan to shout out loud today but i cant...something inside is bursting out i cant control it anymore ...............its so hurtful ............my heads hurts so much ..............so much that its driving me crazy ...........i almost flare up with my mum in front of my big auntduring dinner when my mama say that i not enough and i beg her for money...................IM BEING FRAME AGAIN........i hate this ......................i already feeling moody today after receiving the news that my bao bei need to overnight at raffles place mac to chiong finish here project ..........my bao bei ask me if im sad YES I AM.............thats my reply ...............i go have a good cold bath to cooldown but somehow .....i still cant cooldown eventually due to externally effect like my mum and myself.............after that short nap im not feeling well i feel like im going to have a fever..........i wanted to cry for my bao bei care.............but think again she need to be focus for her project and studies ..i better keep my mouth shut...........hahhaa alot of times im so disgusted by myself and get to know y alot of ppl hate me .........all those words that i once say before was so childish so not realistic so ......so giving hope to others where i din give myself a hope at all..........am i moody YES I AM am i SAD YES I AM..........am i CRAZY YES I AM............my head hurts so much now that how i wish i can eat a bomb explode everything out ....................and now my perssimistic thinking came backz ...........my mind is in a total mess .............and i believe if someone trigger something i will cry out loud............i wan to cry but i cant .............think sooner or later i will be back to the past where im asking for more and more pain..............my big aunt ask me did i get into UNI i say no application failed............dunno y all this words is like stated my failure .............dunno y alot of times i feel im such a useless guy and it never prove me wrong.....................im so weak physically .........im so weak mentally..................i let my bao bei worry me and let her feel bad alot of times i see her cry i cant help much .....wat can i do .....can i cry ......maybe in my heart ......................always trying to give my best to everyone around me yet i cant ...............im losing faith.............i have fallen..........and i sooner or later will ask for more and more pain .....................as for now im already feeling painful internallly by my mum and myself..........if i were to say ppl fall down at certain times i fall down right now at this moment............internally there are 3 choices for me let go of everything or Wait or dun do anything .............im feeling very empty now...........if i were to return back to nothingness will i no need to pick a choice...............maybe...........or even maybe i wun feel hurt or pain in my heart..............i wish my bao bei can be right by my side now comforting me ..............hahaha such a unreasonable thinking...............i think i miss her too much le..........................i can only pray hard that her project can finish in time and her preparation for exam will be ready cause her exam is near...........just hope that i wun be a burden to her at such critical timing............i will just endure this pain bah .....pain of missing her thoroughly in the heart ..................falling sick now............feeling very feverish temperature getting higher and higher..............very painful now
4:26 AM; &they are gone forever
