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the fading music
Kai
20+
Currently in National Service
Totally in love with Baobei
^.^

the endless piece

HoMe - panio and i

the new melodies
Baobei

the gone memories
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
September 2007
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
December 2008
March 2009
April 2009
August 2009
March 2010
July 2010
October 2010

the thanks given
brushes: one two three
fonts: one
hosts: one two three
designer: one
lyrics: one
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Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Living Dead
Today dunno y i felt the feeling from bao bei its was just so ...........frustated can feel from her .........trying my best to make her happy by smsing her but then feel that im push away for the reason that i told her wat my father told me .................suddenly felt she really need me yet i cant be by her side but in the actual fact i need her too and i cant deny .......my heart is really crying inside out really crying le but i wun cry outside due to work ..........i cry not because im hurt is just that..................i really miss her ......i really miss her ...............although she say she suddenly unreasonable but at least she really show care ........i was so touched at the moment and felt contented..............at least till evening every sms went smoothly and i really felt so better that she msg me ...........iif she were not to msg me i really feel like dying ...........really feel like pressing hard into my arteries so that my heart blow even though i press it a few day be4 and i almost make my left hand gone but heart still will pain ...........and today the recurring effect came back again and i msg her and hope she care for me but somehow kind of did not get the msg i wan back...................

Then finally after work i call my buddies and seems like the timing cannot suits mine and my mum did not cook cause going out with dad and here i am back to this lonely house listening to super sad music .....................there are times when i go think im such a filth in this world im just like a torn and tattered shirt lying on the floor and just happen that esther were to pick up and wear it and i promise myself who ever were to pick me up i will give u the warm and happiness that i can give ...........however there are times is like i really love her alot and really wanting to protect her yet there are times i hurt her so much that i really hate myself to the core ..............and guess wat tonight i really miss her so much that now im crying inside out ............there are really sometimes i wish she can scold me or beat me or bit me something that ease my heart cause i really dunno how to make her happy but i just wanna give her happiness .............now its just so lonely in my house and outside raining so does my heart is raining now y does it always have to be lonely by my side i really wish she is by my side now ..........damn me damn me y am i so weak sometimes i really hate myself ..............why cant i give her wat she want and letting her ask me wat i want from her..............why am i so weak...........maybe i think too much or wat but suddenly have a selfish thinking hoping that if later i were to sleep i wish not to wake up forever ................just like how my grandad pass away sleep to death .....................i really dunno ...........reallly dunno im just so lost when she is not by my side ..............i really felt there is something tear it out from me that she is not by my side .............there are times i hope she can be selfish so that i can be by her side ...........my heart is really pain now not due to the injured it is crying out loud saying i miss u bao bei i really miss u ..............everytime i have to act strong when saying bb or nitez to her but in the end its me who is just so fragile who really cant stand the loneliness ............i just cant control my tears it just flowing .................suddenly and again im thinking back the wrong side ....my presence in this world really worth nothing at all and i just hope that i can be forgotton and die in darkness even where my body cant be found or something like that.......................its too painful for me that i hurt my bao bei and unable to accompany her by her side when she feel lonely ............i just feel that im so useless that i cant even make her happy ............im already such a useless guy ...............without her my life is really as good as a living dead who dunno wat he wans wat he need ..............she is just so attach to my soul and my heart that if there is no her i will be a man with no soul and no heart at all ...............laughter is the best medicine which i always told myself but 2day the more i laugh the more i wan to cry at myself at my stupidness .................im really just a sha dan who just need love and care and 2night this sha dan will curl into his bed and cry throughout the night and pray hard for esther his dearest bao bei safely and happiness ........nitez .....
5:25 AM; &they are gone forever