Monday, October 4, 2010
Screw or be screwed
screw up week. F8 its so screw up. i screw up by not looking properly the msg my gf sent. i screw up my studies. F8. just this two is enough to be so screw up. human are selfish. i try not to be burden for others even for my love one le why am i still getting such thing. i try to be good to everyone around me but why am i still being screw. Guess wat my gf 1st time throw an F word at me. 2 years and 6 month plus there is almost none vulgarities. and now there is. this show how pathetic i am. wan to be good to gf wan to be good in studies wan to be good to everybody and this is what i get. heart broken. great........ i really had enough le. i seriously really had enough le. no one wan to understand me even for my love one. dun blame me for being bad temper or wat from now on. i did try my best to control. and since im now at my peak stress period. i wont be anymore good guy. and guess wat now i respect Mrs Lee the most why? cause she is the pillar support for MM Lee his husband for 60 years ++ and make MM LEE father of singapore. If singapore have more of this character of female singapore guys no need to go other country to find wife and mistress liao. F8 with all the attitude ppl. IM SO PISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS OFFFFFFFFFFFFF i just cant control my anger. this sucks. blame me as u all wan. _I_
6:45 AM; &they are gone forever
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Sad and Emo again
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA today is so sad. my bao bei go malaysia i miss her so badly. den everyone like back to square one bully me again. come back home my dearest cactus dying sob sob. wa today so happening. dun care must find mean and way to revive the cactus as much as possible. 11 more working day and everybody is going against me. somewhats feel lonely and very sad. draw circle liao sob sob. haiz .. life now a bit down and even more down sob sob. wish dear was here to console me. i miss her even though she only went for almost 11 hours only sob sob. Curse the ppl who backstab and bad mouth me and make all my effort gone down to waste.
3:43 AM; &they are gone forever
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Feeling quite emotional...somehow
this few day keep raining.....and rain started to soak me inside out..... kind of emotional.... firstly dear dear going to taiwan this saturday early in the morning... and i cant send her off...... my dad told me to be someone with meaningful skill and be useful person..... thats means i dunno how to " fan Fa" doing illegal stuff.... everything in my mind is to be good to be nice to be kind. but im not so sure about myself. i know there is a crazy part of me violent part of me caring part of me nice part of me workaholic me and pursuing of knowledge of me but im thrown into a place where im seeing all kind of ppl with by left and not by right. wats wrong wats right everything confuse me. but i wan to be right. i wan to have clear conscience......... i just wanted to go back to my study life.... at least book give me more knowledge ........ i wan to fill myself to be something useful like doing maths question and see circuits board. but recently im forgetting everything..... i lose touch in all kind of thing...... im like starting to lose everything......im blinded somehow........i feel im blinded by something but i cant see it i need some outsider to tell me wat am i blinded? by this world by wat?
i cant help thinking much and listening to those oldies to remind me and chilll me down...... but one thing im quite tired somehow. really tired doing one company stuff where only one man is doing.......... living like rats hiding there and here doing carrying a nuclear arrowing board. haiz. each bomb being fire is not arrow but like nuclear got radiation. maybe its a test for me to test my patience my endurance but it will reach till 5 month. after 5 more month i will pursue my knowledge. and i dun wan to live with regret. Jeffrey u last time told me about ur uni life and u are the only tution teacher who is able recognise my ability even though that time im a failure student. i cover my mistake during my poly time. b ut not enough. i will pursue ur step and my father step. i will make sure my whole life pursuing knowledge. i regretted for my past 17 years of life only to make my life fruitful a bit for 3 years.. not enough ... not enough to redeem my own 17 years of sin. looking at my smart and beautiful gf i felt i should be more hardworking than ever to secure a better future. although my life i wont go by left but i will live with a clear conscience a man of right , making by right as my armour. Dun give up ...endure.... persevere..... upgrade and upgrade... never fall.... only to pursue the unlimited knowledge throughout my life...
5:26 AM; &they are gone forever
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Too Good means not good
This post shouldnt be familiar as others may sound it out but im just another one that have this incident occur on me.
I landed in a place where i choose myself and listen to the wrong person saying that place would be a better place. But when i reach there it isnt as good as those were to say. Starting im like a ghost over there not recognise and not appreciated. The more i work even trying my minimal not to show im too up or wat they all means garang. But eventually i over work and it seems everyone have all kind of comment. basically just like im not the management lvl staff but i acted like one all those kind. True im not the management staff but its just like the CEO of the whole company entitled me something like management staff which none of the ppl in the company recognise.
Maybe im still not that matured yet i do still take in some bad comments all this stuff. But lucky i met someone who had the same frequency as me as least life is not too bad. Got one more ppl that can have heart to heart chat. At least with him life isnt that bad. Of course got my dear dear to keep spamming msg to me. If not i will be the pessimistic again.
I found myself too blind on the ranks. Something that i over hold it and break it in my hand. I gotta accept myself a normal staff instead of being up in the management staff. I wan the old self me again. Happy go lucky. Even ppl were not to recognise me i still got my love ones and my buddy to chat with. But the buddy is going to leave in june which will make me more lonely.... meanwhile i gotta to be more mentally stronger. Even were to take all my books to read in camp. i found myself too complacent and neglecting in upgrading myself. Thats y i ended myself taking in of others comment and make myself feel so terrible. Although i already break down the moment i reach my room. But come to think of that im so immature. Im a grown up. But yet i still have the thinking of a teenager.
This society is just like some monstrous place. Its just that i become forgetful. maybe at times when im back to work, it would be a better me of putting no feeling at all. At times being too emotion isnt as good as it is, especially at works. Putting emotion into works is forbidden as it will affect the process of the works.
Best part of life is end of the week or end of the day u can see ur parents call them papa mama im home and ask them to eat. Even to chat with ur love one through msn. sometimes when u go think u dun need to be rich or poor or whatever u can think to feel bless and warmth. The warmth ultimately come from yourself to the others and its links thats y the bond between parents are so strong and unbreakable even if u deny it.
Lastly im lucky enough to have my love one accompany me even if its through msn =)
Lucky got my dear dear accompany me for so long and even endure my bad temper. Thanks dear dear. Sorry for ill treating u when im in bad mood sorry (>. <) promise u to treat u better once i leave this lousy 'company' i love u dear *SMOOCH*
4:50 AM; &they are gone forever
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
LOst again
Although alot of time i felt very lost somehow but this few weeks im even more lost. Lost in myself my chest pain all the illness just suddenly attack me.....i felt so useless....felt so troublesome to everyone around me.....army did make one grow but make one tired too....is it i tired myself out may ....at night my chest pain will double....just hope its just normal chest pain...although i did felt something wrong with my heart buy i keep telling myself there is no prob with my heart.but breathing that time sometimes did hurts like a sharp pain.....hope my friend sway mouth dun come true not any heart dieases or wat.......too much thing happen......chest pain really just dun go away it just persist for weeks le.....need to wait till cardiology specialist that will be end of november.......my life wat can i do is only really study and study? i wan grow stronger in army in terms of fitness but dunno y end up to such a useless bum.....end up this chest pain ....height prohbia.....even affecting my normal life.......i really feel like going berserk whenever it comes to height......i felt so .....useless......i cant control my emotion anymore.......always can only wait till no one let i let out all my emotion.......mental and physically being hhurt.....mental hurt by my own height probhia......physically is my chest pain that dun wan go away........ last year in other place there is no such problem yet when come to this camp small minor problem arise....is it my fault? is it me who really cant be positive? i try to be positive .....but end up i feel negative........ i felt so useless.... i started to succeed in none......i can only endure now ....endure..... my only salvation is the love that my dearest bao bei give me......i felt so weak.....i only wanna live very very very very very low profile just like sec school time.......the time where i felt im like a living rat where everybody shouting to kill me or hate me........so prone to any kind of illness now......so weak now..... i see my unit ppl all are so strong all are so fit.....i start to deem myself really more and more dun fit to be there only really just fit to be sai kang warrior only.....i know the logic of dun compare dun complain.....but who will really understand and use it......can only feel my soul like getting smaller my flame start not to burn anymore.......maybe its me who ultimately who cant change or adapt to changes bah......problem still end up and always lie in me........ sometimes i really find myself damn pathetic......... i promise bao bei not to negative and write more positive post but end up i still write negative thing sorry bao bei.....but if its no for ur love i really dun find any meaning in my life.....thank you bao bei i love u ......
6:03 AM; &they are gone forever
Friday, April 24, 2009
Bomb,Barrel,Bomabardment
This few day seems like cant avoid being bombard all the tome be it anywhere or everywhere. Worst is being bomb until inside out. i help ppl "that bunch of ppl" bombard me. When their prob is solve they treat thing as nothing. SUA DULAN. going back to outside world also kana shoot kana bomb. thought life will be better although the bom is so less so minor but its just dug out the pain each and pieces from my heart. This world sucks man. i dun hope for anything cause ultimately it give me despair....i dun wish or argue for the thing i wan cause it will turn out to be either useless or worthless. i always wan to change to better man and hell look at me now. im bloody hell complainging this and that. yes other suffer alot more than me they ought should complain more than me. so does that mean i cant complain. ppl try to understand ppl more but yet always turn out ppl being understood dun understand the ppl who understand them. isnt this the law of human. y would i think of that cause thats wat i see. i tried to understand the whole world but end up do they even understand me? thats y i say i dun hope for anything it will turn out to be more hurtful towards me. i HATE THIS WORLD. my heart recently started to feel back with hatred. im becoming a worst man. my attitude becoming worst. my fear of height even get worse. sometimes i really do just y cant i sleep eternally just like my grampy. maybe im tired or wat. maybe im lack of wat. i dunno. suddenly i choose to become follower than to become half follower and half leader. there are some ppl that i once teach them turn out to be shit of this world. choosing a path that end up my own destruction. hahaha end up im still that bad guy i wanted for in my life. but is a worthless useless bad guy.......... heart really hurts more and more and seems like there is no cure.............i couldnt make my gf happy even this week is her birthday week. wat shit bf i am. i cant accept her joke and i take it as hurtful words. she cant accept my jokes....i tried to care but she just keep silence. maybe the prob lies with me. suddenly is like our comunication breakdown.... even though she wan to resolve the prob yesterday night..... but i could only see everything turn out will be seeing my fault arise from the start till now. i could only see endless fault from me. is my gf defensive. she need to be defensive. do i need to be defensive. no i dont neeed i dont see the point when im hurt so much inside out to the core and defence for myself. i just feel like lying down bleed to death. slowly stab one stab by one stab from everyone in the world that i know stab me and stab me. last time i could even accept betrayal..... but now i become so weak that i cannot accept stabbing in front of me from everyone. stabbing from ppl i trust in army......... even worse than stabbing. i should say its bomb. its bombardment from their barrel. cause they are gunner. im just 2 flag waving for them to bomb. and now im so weak till i brought out this stupid prob out to my own world. trying to be perfect i cant anymore. just let me bleed to death. for those who wan to stab more please stab more in the front. some stab at the back also can. just stab as much as u all wan bah. im tired. i will be the corpse for the world to stab........wanna bomb just bomb bah since its area of effect. FOXTROT TANGO WHISKY
7:56 PM; &they are gone forever
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
this week is a short week for me in ns due to good friday....but i end up only can meet my baobei once...which is on sat....cos fri i need to go shao mu with my parents and sun baobei gg batam with her family....so nice, can go batam with her family. so poor me got to stay at home and sleep whole day. but at least i can pei my parents even though they might be out wrking whole day....
anw, baobei helped me change my blogskin...haha....very nice hor? i think is quite cool...haha...my baobei so li hai...always get nice things for me de. love her lah.
my mama's bday coming le...two impt persons in my life haf bday on april..one is mama...another one is baobei...haha. then i promised my parents that i m gg to cook for them on mama's bday but end up dunno cook wad....haha....headache...then baobei helped me think of some dishes...lol...if really no choice i think i order pizza le..haha.then ownself eat...lol....as for baobei..i prepared her bday gift le...haha...dun wan to tell her...gg to give her on 18th even though her bday on 26th...lol...v.excited to give her...then see her happy face and her smile....haha....miss her alot nw.....this week can only meet her once loh.....very sad....=(
but baobei promise to bring nice nice things back for me from batam...haha...she for sure shop whole day de...lol...my baobei so cute lah.....^.^
tmr ns got exams.....wah...cham liao...tmr dunno how i cry cos got tt tear gas exam.....i 1st batch somemore....lol...tmr i laugh and cry then ppl thought i siao...haha....then still got M16 rifle...first time handling siaz...ppl all handle be4 bt i 1st time...somemre got exam on that....waaa.....but i promise baobei i can pass de...so i for sure can pass...baobei said must be confident in myself.i will do it for her de.=)
hao lah....gtg liao...need to book in again....tmr need to wake up at 5am....sian...hope tmr can pass then faster book out meet baobei...yay...tmr can meet bao bei le^.^....haha,cant wait.....miss her alot. tap water gg to flow again le....
anw......thanks baobei for helping me to type this entry....haha.....cos i now not infront of computer....LOL.
Credits to: Baobei=)
7:04 AM; &they are gone forever
